Feeling stuck is a hard place to be. For most, feeling stuck often comes along with ambivalence which means there’s a part of you that wants to change and a part that doesn’t for some reason. A part of you wants to make changes to feel better but is fearful of doing something different because there is no guarantee that the new action will be better. Many desires come from wanting to find pleasure and avoid pain. 

Our mind will do everything it can to find a way to ‘have cake and eat it too.’ It is impossible to keep the comfort of the familiar and dive into the unfamiliar. At some point a choice must be made, whether it is a conscious choice of action or an inevitable choice of inaction.

WHAT IS DESIRE?

Let’s take a look at desires because they are a big part of the calm mind equation that rarely gets addressed, yet they hold so much power over us.

What is a desire?

First, let’s look at the definition that comes up when I search ‘desire.’ Two definitions from Oxford Languages were top of the list. Desire as a noun is “having a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.” Desire is also a verb: “strongly wish for or want.”

From this definition, I know that sometimes my desires help motivate me into helpful action. And, sometimes my desires anchor me into suffering and misery. What about you?

SUFFERING FROM DESIRES

Desires are the mind thinking about the future, about outcomes, and what one wants to have happen. They are part of being human. Desires are not ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ They will happen. Suffering happens when we attach to a desire so that when it doesn’t happen it creates a negative reaction in our mind that can spiral out of control.

The tantrum is a good example of how humans can behave when there’s an unmet desire. The throw-yourself-on-the-floor, kick and scream until you exhaust yourself kind of tantrum of a 2-4 year old. At that age there’s no filter so the pain of an unmet desire comes pouring out. But, you don’t have to be a toddler to throw a tantrum.

Think about the last time you threw a tantrum. What caused it? Most likely an unmet desire.

YOGA AND DESIRES

In the Bhagavad Gita (2.55), Krishna (representing the Divine) tells Arjuna (representing the limited human mind), “O Partha, when a [person] is satisfied in the Self by the Self alone and has completely cast out all desires from the mind, then [they] are said to be of steady mind.”

A steady mind does not throw tantrums because it knows the truth about desires – they are just stories of the future. They aren’t reality.

It is easy to look at this verse from the Bhagavad Gita and label desires as “bad” and something to get rid of. But, that would cause further suffering since desires will happen. Having desires doesn’t mean ‘I am a bad person.’ Plus, the intent of Yoga is to lift us out of suffering, not create more. So this is an incorrect interpretation.

What Krishna is saying is that if we desire a calm, steady mind we must take a look at our desires. Since they will happen (until they don’t), we need to learn how to use desires to lift us up instead of spiral us down.

USE DESIRES TO CREATE A STEADY MIND

First thing is first – you must become aware that you are having a desire. No one can change something they aren’t aware of. But stopping there won’t change anything. We must take action with that awareness. 

Then, the actions to take are viveka (discernment) and vairagya (detachment). 

For discernment, get curious about the desire: 

• What is it that I am truly desiring here? Really take time to listen to yourself.
• Do I have any control over this desire? Is it about me or someone else?
• Will this desire help lead me towards my intentions and goals?
• Or any other exploration questions to understand this desire better.

Next, you decide is this a desire that I will pursue or one that I need to work on letting go, i.e. detach from? What is an action step towards my choice?

There isn’t a right or wrong answer and every situation will be different. But in order to move towards lessening our attachment to desires and lessening desires in general, we must face them and work with them. It is a process and an important one to find more calm and peace of mind.

OPPORTUNITIES DESIRES CREATE

By becoming aware of the desires underneath your reactions, it gives you an opportunity to notice patterns in your desires. With that information, you can focus more on that pattern and work on a different response in those situations. What’s more is when we deal with our desires, we tend to take other people’s reactions personally and see them for what they are. This is especially important for those of us who tend to take on other people’s reactions.

Just like an archeological site is cleared slowly, bit by bit, so that nothing is destroyed or thrown out that is important, refining the mind to clear out desires also takes time so we don’t miss anything. This process can’t be forced, less we fall back into black and white thinking that desires are ‘bad.’ This gets us nowhere except more stuck.

At any point, if you start to feel stuck with your emotional reactions and want to ‘feel better,’ turn inward, become aware of desires, use that awareness to discern and take action towards letting go of desired outcomes that aren’t in your control.

Be kind to yourself. It will take time and practice.

Namaste.

PS. When you’re ready, here’s how I can help you become a master of your emotional reactions to work on desires, find more peace, and move forward with confidence: 1)Watch my free masterclass in which you will discover the Find Calm Formula™; 2) Book a free, 60-minute Clarity Call with me.