Do you find yourself stressed, upset, and reactive often? It just might be your perception of the situation that is causing this. Underneath our perception usually lies a belief in how we think things should go. Often in the form of what you judge to be ‘right’ or ‘wrong,’ beliefs that may have helped you in the past are now keeping you stuck in a reactive state.
A BELIEF THAT STRESSED ME OUT
Growing up, my dad instilled a specific value of time in me – be on time, and better yet, be early. As a family, we might have somewhere to be and my dad would be in the car well before we needed to leave. He would first get in and sit there for a minute. Then he’d turn the car on for a minute. And finally pull out into the driveway, with all of us frantically trying to get out of the door. And we’d arrive 10 – 15 minutes before we needed to be there. It drove me crazy, especially as a teenager.
As a young adult, I would feel so stressed trying to get to a place early or on time because that was what I learned was ‘the right thing’ to do. Most of my friends were much more relaxed about it. When I met Greg in my late 20s, he was the opposite and more carefree with time, especially around social engagements. He was early to work and then able to relax more when it didn’t matter as much.
Being in a relationship with him over the past two decades has allowed me the ‘opportunity’ to experience what it’s like to let go of time a bit. I haven’t died and no one has gotten mad if I wasn’t exactly on time. I also learned for myself, what situations I enjoy being early for and what situations I’m okay with being a few minutes late for. My Yoga practice has been a big part of this ongoing process.
BELIEFS WE GROW UP WITH
When we grow up, we are born into a family, situation, and/or experience. From there, we learn how to relate and navigate the world. We are told from our caregiver’s points of view what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong.’ We are conditioned by family, society, school, friends, and other communities about values and how to belong. These experiences shape our behavior at a subconscious level so that, without thinking, we meet situations in certain ways due to those beliefs and values.
But are they ‘right’ or ‘wrong?’
Traveling around the US and to different countries, studying abroad and living as an expat have shown me over and over again that there are many ways to be in this world. There are very few instances of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ in how to do things. In fact, being able to be open to other possibilities opens up creativity in problem solving.
As a mental health professional, Yoga counselor and coach, I find immense joy holding space for others to find their own answers. The creativity of the mind and drawing on personal experiences to find solutions, amazes me constantly! Ideas that I would never have thought of and make perfect sense for that person unfold like magic.
BLACK AND WHITE THINKING
When our minds stay stuck in what is called ‘black and white thinking’, a concept from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Aaron Beck’s work, it’s like we are a horse with blinders on. It limits our view of the world and limits us from fully being ourselves. Absolute conditions like ‘right or wrong’ and ‘good or bad’ are examples of black and white thinking. This type of thought pattern cuts us off from possibilities and ideas. It perpetuates the feeling of being ‘stuck’ or ‘lost.’
Most of life lies within the ‘gray’ and to our survival aspect of the mind, that’s scary because with all that uncertainty, it can feel unsafe. It’s hard to find the ‘formula’ for certainty to all the ‘what ifs.’ Really, that’s an impossible task but the mind tries to do it!
The ‘solution’ the mind is searching for to deal with the uncertainty of the world is actually very simple and accessible, which can make it seem too simple to be true.
CHANGING BELIEFS
It’s the thing most of us fight doing, despite deep down knowing it’s what we need to do.
Pause and turn inward. Take time to be with yourself and listen to yourself – your body, thoughts, and emotions. This is how to create lasting change with habits and beliefs that no longer serve you. It’s an inward process!
So, how did I change my beliefs about time?
1. I took responsibility for my reaction – owning my ‘stress’ response was mine to explore, instead of blaming it on others or the situation.
2. By owning my reaction, I was able to get curious about it and explore why it was happening, tracing it back to the belief fueling my behavior.
3. Then, with this understanding, I could start to consciously decide what new belief around time I wanted to cultivate and take action towards that belief.
I continue to value being on time, but getting there early isn’t something I strive for anymore. That’s my dad’s preference, not mine. Sometimes it just happens that I arrive early to things, but it’s not my intention.
I’ve also worked on stretching my definition of ‘being on time’ to have flexibility of about 10 minutes, as well as being gracious towards myself when I’m not able to make it on time and communicate this to others. Afterall, things happen on getting from point A to point B that are out of our control.
ENJOY THE SHADES OF GRAY
By practicing turning inward when you become stressed or reactive, you can find the solution to any situation that works best for you. You might try some things that work for others as an experiment, but in the end, when you can connect with something that fits you and your life, it’s much easier to access, use in the moment, and create a new habit with that solution.
And please remember – there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in this process! Enjoy exploring life’s shades of gray to find what works for you.
Shanti.