Many women have grown up with the message to be “nice.” This usually entails making sure not to hurt anyone, to care for anyone who is struggling, and to put others in front of your needs. Yes, it’s important to be kind and caring. But the message of “nice” is usually about ignoring oneself and taking care of others’ emotions…even if it is depleting you.  It also sends the message that you must help others at all costs and asking for help is seen as a sign of ‘weakness’ or being selfish. How can we expect to fully help others if we refuse to ask for help ourselves?

In order to truly know and accept all parts of ourselves, we must learn to accept our own limitations. And learn to accept help in order to grow. By avoiding help, you will never be whole because a part of you is cut off. Being ‘whole’ requires facing all parts of ourselves.

BREAKING THE CYCLE OF FEAR

Owning my own business has given me many opportunities to break the cycle of ‘do-it-myself-at-all-costs.’ This, in turn has allowed me to get help in the many areas of business I had no clue about. I went to school to be trained as a social worker and therapist, not as a business woman.  

Just like all of you, I have limited time. I only had a certain amount of time left after meeting with clients to learn about business and become a better business woman. I wasn’t about to go back to school to get a degree in business. So, I had to look for mentors and teachers who could teach me.

This required me to invest in myself, both money and time. What I’ve learned is the amount I’m willing to invest in my own growth correlates with how much I value myself. That investment includes asking for help. Over the past five years, my value in my time and learning has significantly increased. Each time I invest in myself, what I get back is so much more, thus helping me see the value even more.

REFLECT ON YOUR PATTERN

What are the ways you are willing to invest in yourself right now? Is there a part of you that knows you need to invest in your own growth to become the person you desire? What keeps you from listening to that part? What are the obstacles you have that stop you from asking for help?

I remember my first big moment of really needing emotional support when I was in college. I just learned my parents were going to get divorced and I was devastated and feeling so alone. With all my heart, I knew that I needed to be with a good friend to be supported, but I was also so worried about being an emotional mess, being judged, being a burden. When I finally let my heart speak louder than fear, I was able to reach out and get the support I needed. Just to be held by a dear friend while I sobbed and let the pain move through.

This memory is one I carry with me as a reminder that I am human and I deserve to be supported as much as anyone else. It’s okay to ask for help, even if fear comes up.

CHANGE PERSPECTIVE

Another way I think about receiving and asking for help is reflecting on how I feel when I help another person. It feels good and brings purpose. It gets me out of myself and experiencing how I’m connected with others.

By allowing others to help me, I’m giving them the gift of purpose, meaning, and connection.

I know it’s not easy to ask for help. It’s a practice for those of us who have been taught that asking for help is “weak” or we don’t deserve it. But until you can truly ask for help, then it’s very difficult to help others without strings attached, free of needing anything in return, free from obligation.

TIPS

Start small. Make those appointments to take care of your health. Ask your family for a night to yourself so you can go to that class you’ve been eyeing. If you’re feeling lost or stuck, reach out to a therapist or coach – most have free consultations to see if it feels like a good fit.

Accept it will feel uncomfortable at first. Remember this is stretching your comfort zone to forge a new habit. It takes practice and the more you do it, the easier it will be.

Ask for help from people you trust. Maybe some of them have already offered their help but you’ve turned them down.

If someone isn’t able to help when you ask, it’s not a reflection of you. They get to choose what they can do and what they can’t. Ask someone else. 

Giving and receiving help build connection and community. Make a commitment to practice and get good at doing both.

Namaste.

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