“I should have known better. What’s wrong with me? No one else seems to be struggling. Why does everything bad happen to me? I’m stupid/worthless/helpless. That’s never going to happen for me. I’m just not good enough.”

Beating ourselves up with harsh, negative words. For most of us, we treat ourselves worse than anyone else would. In Dr. Kristin Neff’s book, “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself,” she shares about her cross-cultural study on self-compassion: “In all three countries (Thailand, United States, and Taiwan), however, we found that self-criticism was strongly related to depression and dissatisfaction with life. It appears that the negative impact of self-criticism may be universal…”

How we treat ourselves directly impacts our mind state. I have worked diligently to be more kind and compassionate towards myself. Doing this has helped me enjoy time spent with myself and I look forward to alone time. I don’t think there’s been one person I’ve worked with in almost 16 years in the field of mental health that I haven’t addressed self-talk.

You see, the thing is that we can only truly be compassionate towards others if we are towards ourselves. Plus, when we don’t treat ourselves with respect and kindness, we usually invite people into our lives who don’t treat us well either. I can’t remember where I first heard this quote, but it’s an interesting one to reflect on – “We allow others to treat us slightly better than we treat ourselves.” Who we invite into our lives and associate with reflects how we feel about ourselves.

The positive thing about self-talk is that it can change.

Yes, it takes practice and it takes time, but it is completely worth it. If you are a person that longs for a world where people treat each other more kindly, with respect and compassion, then it’s time to start with how you treat yourself. 

So how to start doing this?

Here are 3 simple, concrete ways to start practicing kindness towards yourself.

1. First, write down 3 positive statements about your best friend or favorite person. Then, rewrite them using “I.” Here’s an example: “Being around you always puts a smile on my face.” Rewrite: “Being around myself (or me) always puts a smile on my face.”

Start each morning off repeating these three statements to yourself. Even better is looking in the mirror and repeating them. If you’re serious about making the change to being kind towards yourself, repeat them again before you go to bed. Do this everyday for a month and see what happens.

2. When you make a mistake, talk to yourself as you would talk to your best friend. Give yourself a hug while you say kind words to yourself and remind yourself you are human. All humans make mistakes, it’s one of the big ways we learn. Mistakes are Learnings.

3. Do not tolerate any negative self-talk that you are aware of, just like you wouldn’t tolerate someone else berating themselves.  Restate what’s really true, rather than name-calling. Instead of, “What the hell, I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I forgot that appointment. What is wrong with me?!” Restate it as, “I feel frustrated and embarrassed I missed that appointment. I’m not happy about it and it’s not the end of the world. I’m not the only human to have forgotten an appointment. I will call and own it and reschedule. I’m still a worthy being and next time I’ll put in an extra reminder.”

When we are negative towards ourselves, it’s a story that is over-exaggerated and just not true, plus it completely misses a lot of the facts. It can also keep us from dealing with situations effectively and even become self-destructive rather than constructive. It’s kind of like when a parent reminds their child to complete a household chore and the child spends 15 minutes on why they shouldn’t do it, though they have to do it eventually. It’s wasted energy. 

Instead of beating ourselves up, if we can start to end the cycle, then we can just deal with things and move on with the day. We can also start really believing in ourselves and creating the life we dream of, instead of self-doubting and limiting ourselves.

What do you want to choose?

If you are ready to make the change and start a more satisfying, loving relationship with yourself, then join me September 19th-23rd, 2021 at Joyful Journey Hot Springs for a 5-Day Retreat – “SAY ‘YES’ TO YOURSELF! Learn Tools to Create a Confident, Balanced, and Joyful Life.” Learn more!

NAMASTE.