A big red flag goes up when I teach someone a tool or technique and they immediately say, “My _____ would really like this. I can’t wait to show them.” This is part of the Caregiver Mindset. You’re probably thinking, “Twyla, caregiving is a positive thing. What’s wrong with wanting to help someone?” I’m not saying caregiving is bad. Not at all. Part of this mindset, though, can result in over-giving and putting others in front of one’s self in a detrimental way. This can be a problem for anyone who is desiring to move from feeling lost and stuck in their life.  Beware of the Caregiver Mindset!

CAREGIVER MINDSET

When someone comes to me, they want my help in making changes in their life. I looking for patterns that are keeping them stuck. For most women, society and family culture continues to send the message that to be “a good girl”, you have to put everyone else’s emotional wellbeing in front of your own.

Here’s an example. Maybe you had time set aside to relax after work with a bubble bath and calming music? That goes out the window when a friend phones needing support because a bath is ‘less important’ than your friend’s issues. When you hang up, you feel even more drained. So you eat whatever’s easiest, pour a glass of wine and watch a TV show because drawing a bath seems too hard now. Underneath, you feel angry and resentful, which you’re tired of feeling. Can you relate?

Let’s go back to the ‘red flag’ I mentioned above. This statement tells me that this person isn’t thinking about how the tool or technique might help them. They are thinking more about others than themselves. If someone is investing time and money to see me, it’s to change themselves, not other people. What matters is that they take time to use the tools and techniques for themselves.

Yes, serving others is a common practice in most spiritual paths, including Yoga. Doing it at the cost of one’s self is not.  

AUTOMATICALLY THINKING ABOUT OTHERS, NOT YOURSELF

Let me ask you this, do you tend to learn a tool, technique, or piece of knowledge and then immediately tell everyone you know to help them out instead of practicing it yourself?

I know that was my ‘MO’ for a long time. Not only was I taught to put others in front of myself, my profession as a mental health therapist strengthened that. It was hard to turn that role off. I have been to many trainings and courses for myself only to find my mind thinking how I could apply things in my work. Again, this isn’t a bad thing. The issue was that I never followed up by practicing it myself. Not until I found my Yoga teacher and was held accountable for practicing.

The path of Yoga is a paradigm shift and a lifestyle change. It’s not a fad, though Modern Yoga has created some fads out of Yoga. It’s been around for thousands of years.  In most Yoga scriptures and texts, the requirement of consistent practice over a long period of time is mentioned over and over. This is completely different from our modern mentality of instant gratification, quick fixes, and bite size pieces of information that we’ve been conditioned towards.

3 PRACTICES TO BALANCE THE CAREGIVER MINDSET

Here are 3 things to do when you are aware of the Caregiver Mindset influencing you to put others first without any thought. When you feel the urge to say ‘yes,’ rearrange your schedule to help someone out, or tell others what they should do to feel better…

• Pause and Breathe. This disrupts the initial reaction and your habitual tendencies..
• State, “Let me take some time to think about that” instead of jumping into something without thinking. Or, keep listening, instead of fixing.
• Ask that other person, “What do you need,” “What’s your next step,” or simply state, “Thanks for sharing that with me.” Be a support that empowers the other instead of a fixer that disempowers.

Pause and breathe is the most important part of the equation. It really does help to disrupt the mindless habit. And no one can do anything differently until there is space created between the stimulus and the reaction. Don’t forget…keep practicing this until it becomes part of your natural response.

Namaste 

P.S. ‘Pause and breath’ is the beginning to moving from feeling lost and stuck to feeling empowered to move forward. If you’re ready to be challenged and make transformational changes in your life, learn about the simple 3-Step process in my masterclass – “The Find Calm Formula™. It’s free!