I recently read Dr. Kristin Neff’s new book, “Fierce Self-Compassion.” It’s such a great reminder of the importance of cultivating self-compassion as part of healing and growth, increasing positive mental health, and creating a kind relationship with yourself. For most of us, we haven’t been taught how to be self-compassionate and it takes practice. A necessary ingredient in creating conscious change is self-discipline. Without compassion, self discipline can quickly fall into the pattern of being critical and hard on ourselves, which comes more from fear. Bringing compassion into self-discipline, fosters honesty, understanding, encouragement and accountability in a more kind and loving way. One that motivates us to stick with the new habit long term.

Two Parts of Compassion

In her new book, Dr. Neff addresses self-compassion as two-sided: Tender on one side, protective and powerful on the other side. We need both to address pain and suffering in our lives effectively. Women are rewarded for being more tender towards others and judged harshly for expressing our more fierce side. Men, vice versa.  We all need both sides to nurture ourselves effectively and meet the inevitable challenges life will bring, without taking it on as being defective or not enough.

Change Takes Stretching Out of Our Comfort Zone

When we are working towards growth – stretching our comfort zones – it’s completely natural for it to feel challenging.  In fact, if working on a new habit doesn’t have some challenge or uncomfortable feeling to it, I’d be surprised.  This is why it takes self-discipline to keep taking action over and over again despite the challenge. It takes time to unlearn an old pattern and replace it with a new one. Typically, the longer you’ve done the old pattern, the more effort and time it will take to change it.

This is why self-compassion is key to stay motivated and disciplined in forming habits. 

Beliefs That Lead Us Away From Self-Compassion

Here are common negative beliefs patterns I hear often:

• I know better, I should be able to _____ by now. (Shoulds)
• What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get it? (Labeling)
• I’m so weak! (Labeling)
• Other people can do this, why can’t I? (Comparing)
• I’m never going to change. (Black and White Thinking)
• I can’t ever do anything right. (Black and White Thinking)

(What I listed in the parentheses are some of Aaron Beck’s Cognitive Distortions.)

All of these negative thought patterns, and so many more, are the opposite of self-compassion. When we ‘beat ourselves up’ emotionally, self-flagellate, and ruminate on the negative, we are isolating and disconnecting from ourselves. This keeps us from gaining self-understanding. It also keeps us in more of a ‘flight/ fight/ freeze’ response so we aren’t able to learn and grow in a positive manner. In this mind state, our reptilian brain is fired up and the problem-solving part of the brain is shutting down.

Using Self-Compassion as a Practice of Pratipaksha Bhavana

Moving to actions of self-compassion help to soothe our nervous system, accept what is happening to us, and reconnect back to ourselves in a more kind way. Self-compassion tools are an example of pratipaksha bhavana (Patanjali Yoga Sutras, 2.33) – when a negative thought wave is observed, cultivate the opposite. Here’s some examples of more compassionate ways to speak to yourself than the negative thoughts from above:

• I’m learning how to do it differently and that takes time. I’ve been doing this pattern for years and it’s not a reasonable expectation to expect things to change in a few months.
• There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m a human like everyone else. Change and learning take time and repetition. I’m not exempt from this.
• It takes courage to be honest and recognize what I need to change. I feel weak because of my expectations but I’m doing the work which actually takes courage.
• I am doing it. Change takes time and it doesn’t always happen how I think it should. I want to hear how other people have done it to help me stay motivated when it gets tough. I am in my own process and that’s exactly where I need to be.
• Change is a guarantee in life. When I think about where I was just a few months ago, I’m already starting to do things differently. I’m proud of that I’m not done yet, which is fine. Unlearning takes time.
• (Breathe) Now is that 100% true? No. It’s hard to make changes and it’s embarrassing to make mistakes. I wouldn’t talk to a friend this way and I don’t deserve to talk to myself this way either. What can I learn from this to help me?

Let’s Practice

It’s your turn to practice. Think of a challenging situation you’re in now or you were recently dealing with. You might pause and close your eyes. Notice how it felt – in your body and what emotions were present? Notice thoughts that come up with these feelings. Write them down. Take some time with this, 5 or so minutes.

Now, look at the thoughts and circle the ones that aren’t compassionate – the ones that aren’t being kind and recognizing your humanity. Take some time and rewrite these so they are more compassionate. If this is a challenge, think if a friend or someone you loved were going through this situation, how would you be kind and encouraging to them? How would you acknowledge their challenging situation? Use these statements towards yourself.

This practice can take time, especially since most of us don’t talk to ourselves like this. We tend to be harder on ourselves than anyone else.  It’s okay if this feels challenging, just keep at it, keep practicing it. Cultivating the habit of self-compassion will have a significantly positive effect on how you meet life and the changes you are working towards. It takes self-discipline to be compassionate and compassion will motivate you to be disciplined on the path of change.

Namaste.