I just participated in my first SJA Partners meet up. (SJA is the school my husband is working at here in South Korea). I was looking forward to meeting other non-teaching partners who I will most likely be spending time with. In our first few weeks on Jeju Island, this school and expat community we’ve become a part of has been kind and welcoming. I’ve learned so much from those who have lived here, guiding us through things they’ve learned and tips on ‘must sees’ and ‘must dos.’  I’m grateful for the community! I have the opportunity to create a community that will support me in this new environment.

Community helps to know we aren’t alone, can be a part of our support network, and help us find our direction. It can be a place or a social group. Communities can be made up of a handful of others or millions to billions of people.

Zooming in a little, I want to focus on the community you create around yourself, specifically those closest to you. 

LOOK AT YOUR COMMUNITIES

Take a moment to find a blank piece of paper and pen or pencil…

Great. First, draw a circle in the center about the size of a nickel and label it “ME.”  

Either on the back side of the paper or somewhere on the edge, jot down the ten people or groups that you spend the most time with.

In relation to time spent with each person or group you listed (this can include in-person, online, phone, etc), draw a circle representing each one on the paper. You are the center since you obviously spend the most time with yourself, even if you’re not conscious of this. The person or group you spend the most amount of time with will be closest to you. The person or group you spend the next most amount of time with will be a little further out, etc. Feel free to put them around you wherever, just focusing on the amount of time spent with them representing how close or far they are from you..

I should also mention, you can take into consideration how long you’ve known a person or been in a group. For example, I’m currently spending more time with new people I’ve just met because old friends are back in the United States. But, overall, I’ve spent much more time in my life with my old friends in the past six months.

Once you’ve gotten all those circles around you, you are going to use yourself as the center and draw 3 or more rings around you that get consecutively larger. These circles connect your people and communities to orbits around you. Something like this:

REFLECTION

Research studies have consistently shown that to those we spend the most time with influence  and impact us the most.

I want you to take some time to reflect (feel free to write) on the relationships with these people and groups from the closest to the furthest. 

• How does each influence, support, lift you up? 
• Is who you spend time congruent with your values, goals and dreams? 
• What do you notice in body sensations, emotions and thoughts when you take a look at this drawing?
• What feels good and why? 
• What doesn’t sit well and why? 
• What do you want to keep and what needs to change?
• How do you influence yourself (as the personal you spend the most time with)?
• How do you communicate with yourself?
• How do you and your communities meet you during difficult times? During times of achievement and celebration?

We have control over who we spend time with so if you find that someone is leaving you feeling down, drained, or exhausted…what needs to happen? What action do you need to take? Who in your drawing lifts you up and inspires you? What can you do about this?

CREATE YOUR COMMUNITY

It’s easy to blame people for how we feel, which means we are giving up our power to change.

Instead, own that it is your choice in how and with whom you spend your time. Taking responsibility gives us room to take action and make changes.

How would you answer these questions:

• If you had one month left to live, who would you spend it with?
• If you were stranded on a desert island for one year, who would you make sure was with you?
• If you were in lockdown due to a pandemic, who do you want with you?

These scenarios don’t need to happen to make changes! Make the changes now and notice what happens with your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. Don’t waste the precious time you have here on earth.

“Who you hang out with determines what you dream about and what you collide with.

And the collisions and the dreams lead to your changes.

And the changes are what you become.

Change the outcome by changing your circle.” – Seth Godin

Who will you spend your time with going forward??

Namaste.

P.S. Do you spend time with a community that is based solely on supporting you towards positive change, loving yourself, and taking responsibility? If this is something you need to help guide you through some of the midlife relationship changes keeping you stuck, then I might be able to help. Watch the masterclass to see if it resonates – The Find Calm Formula™.