This week I took a pause when I saw a post by neuroscientist, Dr. Lisa Masconi, showing that across all countries studied, women continue to have much less ‘leisure’ time than men. She labelled this as ‘Me Time.’ I know from working with women for over two decades in the mental health field, that their lives are full as they juggle many roles each day. In the US, yes, more men are stepping in to shoulder some of that responsibility, and much of it still falls onto the shoulders of women.

Where my curiosity lies after seeing this data is two fold: 

• How do we perpetuate this gap ourselves?
• How do we define ‘Me Time’ in our own lives?

IS IT 100% TRUE?

It’s easy to point the fingers at men and get upset when we feel like we do much more of the day to day tasks in maintaining daily life. I know in my relationship, I have observed many, many times over our 21 year relationship that my mind loves to blame him when I’m feeling stressed or overwhelmed.

Since my number one policy in my life is “I’m 100% responsible for my life,” when blame shows up, I examine it. “Twyla, is that 100% true?’

Personally, I have found more times than not, my source of stress and overwhelm is due to MY perception and MY actions. Not always…but many times.

I have a recent example of this. We are planning a trip to Japan with Greg’s brother and his family. Full disclosure – my comfort zone around planning is to do it in advance. I like to make a decision, implement it, and move on. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, it’s just what is most comfortable for me.

UNDERSTAND YOURSELF

When I was in second grade, my younger brother and I first flew on an airplane by ourselves to see family. I spent weeks before asking my parents about all the ‘what if’ scenarios as I could think of so I would know what to do. I was excited to go, armed with my knowledge. My brother asked no questions and when it came time to leave, he told my parents he wasn’t going out of fear. My mom told him, “You’re going. Don’t worry, your sister knows what to do.”

Greg and his brother both tend to be pretty laissez faire about planning. I have appreciated this about Greg over the years because he’s helped me to discern when planning is necessary and when to let go and just meet what life brings. He’s helped me stretch my comfort zone for the better. It continues to be a practice for me!

As the end of October approached, we still didn’t have our plane tickets to Japan.  I gently put out to Greg that we might want to figure this out since we are traveling over the holiday season. He agreed and we figured out our flights. This began to activate my planning mind. (I can see it jumping up from feeling bored, eager to get to work. 🤣)  So, I explored some options around accommodation and activities in our first stop – Tokyo.  Noticing that some of the activities we talked about doing were selling out, I pushed Greg and his brother to do a little more planning.

NOTICE YOUR REACTION

As the three of us researched and negotiated, I found myself taking charge – something I do easily, as you could have guessed. For a few days, I was juggling daily life tasks, my business, some social time, and the trip to Japan. I watched as Greg went to work, came home and relaxed for an hour, then did some exercise, ate dinner, relaxed some more and then went to bed. My mind started down the judgement road. I heard it say, “What the hell?! I do everything around here! This is so unfair!.”

Years of practice have taught me to stop my mind right there. I took some breaths and asked myself “What does Greg do that I appreciate?” I was able to widen that angry view to gratitude, seeing how he does a lot for me, every single day. And I am so grateful he is in my life.

That wider view helped me to question my anger reaction. This reaction was fueled by me taking on the responsibility of planning the Japan trip, when there are two capable brothers who are more than willing to do it. I smiled at myself, then decided I was completely fine with letting go of the planning and enjoying whatever they figured out. I let Greg know I was tapping out and trusted that he and his brother would find great places for us to stay and things to do.

The anger was gone, the blame stopped, and I felt more relaxed again.

NOW YOUR TURN TO REFLECT

I share this story because I am curious: 

• Is your stress, overwhelm, blaming, anger, or any other emotional reaction being caused by your perception, how you want things done, and taking on responsibility for things that others can handle?

I encourage you to reflect a bit and see what you discover.

WHAT IS ‘ME TIME’?

Let’s talk about ‘Me Time’ and see how you understand it.

The truth is, most of us are running around from one thing to the next forgetting to even breathe. Over the years, the answer to ‘How are you doing’ has gone from ‘I’m fine’ to ‘I am just so busy!’

This has become a badge of worthiness, a sign of ‘success’ in modern times. If you are busy, you have purpose, meaning, and you matter. This is a whole other topic on its own, so I don’t want to dive into all of that right now.

I want to look at the ‘Me Time’ that you have now. Take a minute and jot down all the things you do for yourself, outside of work and family time. The things that you do for you because you enjoy them.

Take that list and reflect:

• When you look at that list, what do you feel in your body right away? (body sensations, emotions, thoughts)
• What things lift you up?
• What things add to feeling depleted?
• How many of those things are just you, spending time alone with yourself?
• How many of those things do you organize and how many do you just show up for?
• If someone else looked at your list, what would they say is your definition of ‘Me Time’?
• When you sit with the words, ‘Me Time,’ what would you like to feel in your body and mind? How many of those things on your list cultivate that feeling?
• What are some learnings from doing this?

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY 

The tradition and wisdom of Yoga points to self-responsibility when it comes to calming the mind, feeling peaceful, and enjoying life. The ‘responsibility’ Yoga refers to is owning what is in our control and focusing our energy there. The only things we have complete control over are the mindset we show up with and how we meet life situations. That is it. 

This is the opposite of what our modern, American society teaches. It teaches us that we are responsible for the outcomes in our lives, other people’s emotions and behaviors, and things we have no control over like aging, illness, and death. This definition is fear-based. 

By focusing on controlling everything outside of ourselves, it keeps us from understanding and knowing ourselves. A strong relationship with ourselves ends up leading to the true peace, love, and joy we are all looking for.

One last question (two variations):

• If you were calm, peaceful, and content, what would change in your life?
• Or what actions do you do in your life because you aren’t calm, peaceful, or content?

Feel free to share any of your reflections with me…I’d enjoy hearing what you discover. 💖

Shanti, Twyla

P.S. After you’ve done these reflection exercises, if you’re next question is “What do I do if I want to change this”, then:

• Join me December 17th at 7pm MST for my next free, online webinar: 5 Ways To Empower Yourself To Face Conflict
• Check out this link that lists all the ways to stay in touch with me
• Schedule a Connection Call with me if you want to chat about working with me