“Does your course include tools and techniques?” “What’s a Yoga pose for immunity?” “What is a breathing practice to calm my mind?” “I’ve tried breathing and my mind is still not calm.” These are just examples of the common questions and comments I’ve received that all come back to one of the biggest modern culture beliefs – Change should be quick and easy. After all, there’s been books written about ‘Change habits in 21 days,’ so it must be true, right?

THE 21 DAYS TO CHANGE MYTH

I’ve spent the past two decades helping others (and myself) to change habits and underlying behaviors. Whenever I see “it takes 21 days to form a new habit,” I start laughing and then it makes me want to cry. This statement furthers shame and self-blame for all of us because changing habits isn’t simple. So, when we try for a few weeks and then relapse back into old habits, it sets up a dynamic to blame ourselves. “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I change?”

In reality, creating and sustaining a new habit takes much longer – up to 8 months – with consistent practice. At least, this is what research by Phillipa Lally published in European Journal of Social Psychology found. And, it’s much more complex, depending on the person, circumstances, and the behavior. And to truly master a habit…well that’s a whole other ballgame.

So, there’s nothing wrong with you! Lasting habits don’t change in 21 days.

Unfortunately, which program would you invest time and money into – one that states change in 21 days, or one that states change in 8 months? Our minds are easily lured by the shiny thing.

TRUST YOURSELF

In Western society, we are conditioned to not trust ourselves, view ourselves as something that needs to be changed and fixed, i.e. focusing on lack, and that quick is the key. After all, if we felt confident and positive in ourselves, fully trusted our capabilities, and lived in gratitude and simplicity, what would happen to our economy? I know as I’ve practiced unlearning lack and ‘not enough’ beliefs, strengthening my contentment, I’ve bought and needed much less.

Creating lack = Buying more to fill the hole

This is why it’s so important, when we are looking for help and support in changing behaviors, to take the time and cultivate Viveka (discernment).  

In Patanjali Yoga Sutra 2.26, the ‘remedy’ for our suffering is to develop “uninterrupted discriminative discernment” or Viveka Khati. (The Yoga Sutras by Edwin F. Bryant). Without viveka, a person is more like a sheep or a zombie, just blindly following the status quo without questioning or reflecting. Allowing others to make choices for them and not taking responsibility.

Traditionally, the path of Yoga requires a student to be diligent in discerning what is truth. Modern Yoga has pruned this skill out. Yes, a modern yoga class may help to start to dip the toe into reflection, depending on the teacher, though I see this increasingly also disappearing. But, becoming aware of one’s self is the first step. What do you do with that data?

I see many self-aware people use their self-knowledge to continue beating themselves up. Strengthening the shame they feel towards themselves. 

USE DISCERNMENT

Instead, this data needs to be used in a manner of discernment to start taking different actions, exploring other ways of doing things. I just watched the movie Air, based on the story of how Nike signed Micheal Jordan, arguably one of the best basketball players of all time. Michael most likely has some natural athletic abilities, but he was dedicated to the action of practicing basketball every single day. It was that practice, over time and with consistency that honed his abilities into mastery.

I know that you are most likely not looking to be “world’s greatest” with your habits, but in order to create lasting change in forming new habits, you can’t avoid the time, effort, and commitment it will take to make this happen. Sorry, it doesn’t exist.

This is where I encourage you to hone your skills of discernment when looking for help in your change process. As it inevitably happens, you will be bombarded with ads that tout change in days and weeks. All good. Accept this. It’s just the world we live in.

When you feel the craving and urge to jump into this (after all, it only costs $97, so why not), pause and breathe. Walk away and turn inward. I want you to take time to notice this reaction – how does it feel in the body? What are the thoughts and emotions? What are the pros and cons of taking the action to engage or not engage? How do these options feel in your body?

GET CLEAR BY PAUSING AND REFLECTING

Take time to notice and discern consciously, what action you want to take? Take time to do this, a few days or a week.  If after this period of time and with more clarity, it still resonates, then go for it. If not, discern what exactly you are looking for with help and support regarding a new habit you want to form.

Here’s another reflection I want you to do:

• How many self-help courses and books have you invested in over the past year or two? Write them all down, including time commitment and money spent.
• How many have you completed or finished?
• How does looking at that list feel in your body?
• What are the lessons here for you and what you may need to do differently for yourself going forward in looking for help? 

Discernment means that you pause instead of react, get curious and question so that you can gather the data necessary to make the conscious choice that is best for you.

Instead of continuing to collect new ideas and ways about changing a habit, find a path and stick to it – not for 21 days but for 8-12 months. You deserve to create the changes you desire!

Namaste.