I’ve been hearing a lot lately, “but isn’t that being selfish?” Typically this comes from a woman. Women, historically, are taught to be a “good girl,” “good wife,” “good mother.” This typically means that everyone comes before you. And if a woman says, “No,” then she’s seen as a “bitch,” “selfish,” and basically a horrible person. Yet, when a man says, ‘no,’ to similar things, it’s all good. You don’t have to keep subscribing to this conditioned gender role definition.

In fact, I highly encourage you not to. If you’re struggling with feeling overwhelmed, burned out, and resentful, most likely you’re not saying, “no,” enough.

SELFISH?

What is ‘selfish?’ Technically, any act a person does towards themselves could be labeled as ‘selfish.’ I don’t believe this is an accurate interpretation, or one that serves to help us be our best self.  

To me, being selfish is acting with no consideration to anyone but one’s self. Many times, that act ends up being negative for others or highly inconveniencing others.

One of my favorite examples of this happened about a decade ago at the Denver International Airport. A man was late for his flight, so he pulled the fire alarm at the airport, thus shutting the entire airport down. That was a selfish act.

SAYING ‘NO’

What happens the majority of the time, is someone asks for our help. You might be feeling tired and depleted. Or, perhaps, you have your weekly exercise class at that time. Or possibly, you are looking forward to some downtime. Those are all legitimate reasons to say, ‘no.’ 

Yet, we start to devalue that time we have set aside for ourselves.” I actually could do it. It feels mean and wrong to not help…” 

You most likely are capable of doing many things. But that doesn’t mean you should.

Let me ask you, if instead of yourself, you put another person in one of those scenarios like a friend, a spouse or partner, or a child, what would happen? Most likely it would be easier to say ‘no.’

DEVALUING YOURSELF

This is the issue. We have been taught to devalue our time and our relationship with ourselves.

For any of you that are desiring more peace of mind, wanting to feel more calm in the face of challenges, you have to start to learn to say, ‘no,’ more often. In order to have a more calm and peaceful mind state, regular time alone with yourself is essential. If you are overdoing, always ‘busy,’ then you will never find that peace you are seeking.

Self-care is a practice of self-love.

If you don’t love yourself, then you will not be able to show up honestly and authentically in life.

I know it’s hard to unlearn old habits and it feels uncomfortable. Self-doubt and guilt will show up to tell you to stay in that comfort zone. It’s up to you to consciously decide how you want to live your life and show up in your life.

MAKE A STANDING DATE WITH YOURSELF

Start by putting an hour on your calendar in your week that is “meeting with Self.” This appointment does not get compromised unless it’s an emergency. That’s the policy. That’s a place to start.

Help change the world by starting with yourself.

Namaste.