Years ago, I watched an interview with Deepak Chopra and he said something to the effect that 99% of our problems come from taking things personally. Life can be a dance from focusing internally and focusing externally. When we are more heavily focused externally, this can cause our mind to think what others do and say is directly related to ourselves, i.e. taking things personally. Usually our sense of worth is wrapped up in how others view us. To find more control in life, we have to let go of other people’s opinions…or our perception of what people might be thinking about us.

“If you take things personally you will remain offended for life.” – Deepak Chopra

Externally Focused

What creates this habit of taking things personally? Many times this can be rooted in how we were raised. Maybe some of these messages ring true for you:

• I can’t believe they just said that about me! Well, I could say a lot about them! What the hell! What else do they think about me??!!
• I shouldn’t have said ‘no.’ They probably think I’m a horrible person. Really, I could have switched things around. God, I feel so bad, maybe I’ll call them up and tell them I’ll do it. 
• One partner: “Hey, could you make sure to put some of your stuff away that’s on the counter since we have guests coming over?” Other partner: “Well, what about your stuff? You always leave stuff on the counter. I’m busy and have other things going on, you know. Stop telling me what to do.”
• Why did they just smile at me? What do they want? People usually want something from you when they smile. I don’t trust people who smile.

When we are guarded, over-reactive, feel guilty, judge others, and make other people’s behaviors about us, most likely it falls into the taking-things-personally category. If you follow the above examples, each person most likely feels more suffering than peace from taking-it-personally.

Internally Focused

An internal-focus means that you take time to notice how things land with you. When someone snaps at you, instead of snapping back defensively, an internal-focus reaction would be noticing how it feels in your body. You might notice tension in the body, breath becoming short and shallow, feeling ready to lash out, and maybe a charge surging through your body.

By turning inwards, the initial reaction gets slowed down so there’s space to stop the reaction. Then a conscious response can happen. In this situation, a person may respond by taking a deep breath, then saying, “wow, that hurt.” Or possibly putting the snapping comments back on that person – “You sound upset.” Or maybe simply stating, “I’m getting defensive and I need to cool off,” then take a break from the situation.

How do you move from being more externally-focused, to internally-focused? How could the above statements be changed from externally focused to internally focused?

3 Simple Statements to Internal Focus

Here are 3 statements to start to incorporate into your life and try to live by that can help you start to catch yourself when you’re taking things personally and let go of other people’s (or your own) opinions:

• I’m 100% responsible for my life.

What this statement means is no matter what is happening, I can only control myself, my reactions, and how I meet the external world. You’re not responsible for what life brings, just how you meet it.

• Don’t believe everything you think.

Your initial thoughts are part of a conditioned reaction system. The more I’ve noticed my thoughts when I react, the more I realize they’re a story. They aren’t based on what’s happening. They tend to be more of a defense system. Get curious and question your reactive thoughts.

• The way another person treats me is a reflection of them, not me.

This statement goes a long way to not take someone’s behavior personally. Most reactions come from the past or unresolved issues. If you know you didn’t do anything harmful or tried to get a person to react, pause and fact check. Is the reaction 100% about you? What’s really going on? And remember, the reverse of this statement is also true. Our reaction is a reflection of us, not the other person. (Bring it back to #1).

Change Your Perception and You Change Your World

Changing our thoughts and reactions does take time. And, using simple phrases and self-awareness, practicing it differently actually adds up pretty quickly. When I’m working with someone on owning their reactions and they are actively practicing, within weeks they start to notice changes.

There may be a phrase that you’ve heard elsewhere that helps you to pause, notice your reaction, and do it differently. Keep using it! Remember, we don’t need 100 tools, we just need a few that we keep using. Kind of like most of our closets, you might have a ton of clothes, but usually there’s a handful of items you love to wear often. Enjoy what works for you!

Namaste.