Summertime means vacations for many women.  Do you tend to be ‘the planner’ in your household? That role has been one I fall easily into as organizing and getting details together to make things happen is a strength of mind. Our strengths also have their ‘weak’ points. As a planner, it’s easy for me to jump in and help out to the point I take over -sometimes taking on too much. When this happens, I end up overwhelmed and spread too thin. 

I have had the intention for years now to pause and get honest with myself about when I can jump into planning and when I don’t have the bandwidth. Many times, when it comes to boundaries, we are the ones not keeping our boundary that we’ve set. Maintaining boundaries is just as important as setting them.

THE STRUGGLE IN MAINTAINING BOUNDARIES

What are the ways that you struggle to keep a boundary you’ve set?

Maybe:

• It’s hard to witness another person struggle.
• It can be ‘easier’ to do things yourself.
• Self-doubt or guilt might persuade you that your boundary is unreasonable.
• Old habits are easy to fall back into.
• You get caught up in the fun.

Whatever the reason, just because we set a boundary, doesn’t mean the effort is done. We still have to maintain our boundaries and at times, revisit them to adjust them as needed.

I had an opportunity to practice maintaining boundaries recently with my husband around planning activities during one of his work breaks. As a teacher, he has much more time off than myself. When I was younger and he first started teaching, that was a challenge for me. I wanted to have more time off too!  But, I didn’t want to become a teacher. So,I learned over time to accept that I’m doing what I love, which means I won’t be joining him on some of his adventures.

In fact, I’ve come to understand that it’s wonderful for him, and for me, that he has the opportunity to have experiences on his own, without me.

Moving to South Korea, we set an intention to take advantage of being in a different part of the world and travel around as much as time and finances allows. This past year, I have been learning what I need to run my business while being in different places. We also have had a number of visitors this past year and as someone who is systematic with planning, I took charge of a lot of that planning. In addition, being a solo business owner requires using my organization skills on a daily basis. I realized a few months ago, I needed a break from adding any more planning to my plate.

So, I set a boundary with Greg. For his final week-long break of the school year, if he wanted to do anything with it, he needed to plan it. I let him know the days I wanted to be at home to work and we agreed on some activities we were interested in doing over his time off.

MY PRACTICE IN MAINTAINING BOUNDARIES

As this teaching break approached, ‘the planner’ in me started to have urges to make some of the ideas we talked about happen. I was aware of this and reminded myself of my boundary and why I had set it. This helped my mind relax and let go. In the end, I was content not going anywhere and just enjoying a typical week if that’s what ends up happening.

There were some moments where Greg had some frustrations and I could feel the pull to help problem-solve. Instead, I held space for his frustration without offering to fix anything. I let him struggle as he put things together, helping when he asked.  I also did my best to reassure him that I was up for whatever happened

At one point, I interpreted what he was communicating as frustration about my boundaries around work. He was trying to make ‘Plan A’ happen and because of my work boundary, it was looking like it was going to work out. I watched him move through the process of letting it go despite his desire. I kept ‘the planner’ at bay, reminding myself of why I had my boundary, and pointed out other options.

Of course, everything worked out fine. We had a number of great experiences that allowed us to be outside, hike, sleep in a tent for the first time in two years, and experience some cultural aspects of Korea.

By honoring my needs, working on maintaining that boundary despite urges to rescue and take over, I have remained calm and present. This has allowed me to enjoy all the experiences that have happened. I am grateful for this opportunity to practice maintaining my boundaries.

This is a key thing to remember: Having urges to do the old habit isn’t a bad thing. It is normal and offers an opportunity to practice. It takes time and practice to change habits. Relapse will happen…again, this is just a reminder of why you’re making the change in the first place.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

How do you know if you aren’t maintaining your boundaries? Here are 3 common emotions to keep an eye out for and explore. They just might be letting you know that you’ve let go of one of your boundaries.

1. Feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you are trying to make sure others are happy while trying to keep your boundaries? The thing to let go of here is making others happy. They are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. Possibly, just holding space for their struggles is all that is required. No need to fix or rescue. This allows them to have their own life learnings.

 

2. Feeling resentful. If you let go of your boundaries, you might feel resentful towards others because you ‘sacrificed’ yourself for them. This leads to feeling under appreciated or a desire to be recognized for this action. Get curious when resentment shows up. Is there a way to reset your boundary or learn where you need to say ‘no’ next time? Own your part in this!

 

3. Guilt can also happen. This might be the part of you that says you don’t deserve to have your needs met. I find that reminding myself why I set my boundary in the first place helps to decrease guilt. Perhaps this might be helpful for you or is there another way to work with guilt that doesn’t involve letting go of your needs?

It’s okay to feel all of these emotions! Again, when you learn to listen to them instead of escape, they become allies in helping you maintain healthy boundaries.

Creating and keeping boundaries is a process. It’s not a one time action. Boundaries work better when they have some flexibility as well as stability. My visual is a tree blowing in the wind. The roots give stability (knowing your boundary).  The flexibility in the branches help the tree to withstand inevitable wind gusts (challenging situations and emotions).

Boundaries will be ‘tested’. It is our responsibility to maintain them or adjust them as needed.

What boundary are you struggling to maintain and where do you need to increase practice with it?

Shanti.

 

P.S. Setting boundaries that respect our needs and allow for adaptability in relationships requires us to know ourselves. Creating an inner relationship that allows you to let go of anxiety, find your voice, and move through conflict confidently is exactly what my 12-week program for midlife women does. If you want to know more, let’s chat! Schedule a free Connection Call with me.