My first experience with multiday silence was a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat back in 2002. That makes me laugh. My ‘go big or go home’, 28-year-old self just jumped into 10 days of silence. ‘Why do one day of silence when you can do ten?!’ I was traveling in India for the first time by myself after dreaming of it for years. The thing about this silence experience was for the first 5 days, even though my mouth was shut, my mind was anything but silent. What was I doing wrong?

TRUTH OF FEAR

On day 5, my mind was done with this silent retreat. Inside my head, there was screaming going on: “I have to get out of here! I can’t do this! It’s impossible! What was I thinking!”

Over and over for a full 45-min meditation session.

And then…

It was over. The gong sounded at the end of that session and I got up and went to lunch. After that, my mind was much calmer. Maybe it realized it didn’t die from just sitting there and there was possibility despite feeling silence was impossible. The story it was screaming about didn’t happen.

That experience, of making it to the other side of that meditation session, was like peeking through a hole in a massive wall. I got a glimpse of a different view about my mind. My mind was terrified of the unknown of silence and was doing whatever it could, including pronouncing a state of emergency, to protect me’. Then my mind was blown by what actually happened…nothing. Or at least, nothing that it predicted. A lot did happen, but that’s another story.

CHANGING THE MIND

I wish I could say that was the last time my mind tried to stop me out of ‘unreal’ fear, but that’s far from the truth. That memory, though, stuck with me. The possibility of what was out there on the other side of this massive wall of protection I had built was not something I could forget.

My mind now had another fantasy to ruminate on. It’s easy to get caught up in imagining what living on the ‘other side’ of that wall of protection and just get lost in it.  Thinking and thinking  – never take any action to change anything. Which was where I was for quite some time afterwards. 

I enjoyed where I was at in many ways! I was moving around, meeting new people, traveling, rock climbing as much as I could, and exploring the world. It’s not that I wasn’t changing. That would be impossible as we are always changing. During this time, I definitely was questioning one of my identities – what it meant to be a woman. 

That exploration had created a small hole in the wall of protection, of ‘Who I think I am.’ It was what even led me to travel by myself, despite the fears of my mother, to India and experience that far away land instead of just reading about it. I learned that, as a woman, I am capable of taking big risks, stepping outside of cultural norms, and living my own definition of ‘woman.’  It was amazing!

I continued on with life focused on this exploration of being a woman. That crack in my wall of protection created by those 10-days of silence was motivating. The funny thing is that there was a much bigger question I either missed or, most likely, was terrified to face: Why is this wall here?

I’m curious – Are you aware of your ‘wall’?

WALL OF PROTECTION

We all have a wall of protection that has been built up over our lifetime. It’s not good or bad. It has served a purpose in our life. It’s the accumulation of all of our experiences. Biologically, our mind-body system’s number one job is to keep us safe and survive so we have a chance at procreating. It’s a pretty amazing system given that there are over 8 billion human beings on the planet now.

Psychologically, the mind keeps track of memories with the data it collects from all of our sensory experiences with the world. It creates a whole storage house of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ to help us navigate the world. Most of our behaviors are controlled from this subconscious place. We end up seeking, and trying to hold on to the ‘good’, i.e. pleasures. With the ‘bad’, we fight, avoid, and escape these aversions as quickly as possible. 

Many people go their whole life in this ignorance of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, black and white views of the world. Jumping from one pleasure experience to another by letting fear of the ‘bad’ make most of their decisions. 

FALSE SECURITY

If you grew up in a religious institution, most likely you were taught the more ‘good’ you are, then the more ‘good’ will happen. Bad things only happen to ‘bad’ people. This line of thinking ends up with a mind that focuses on fear, rather than actually fully living, taking risks, taking responsibility. These beliefs surround us with a false sense of security. ‘Those people had that horrible thing happen to them because they made XYZ bad choices. I don’t make those choices, so I’m ‘safe’. 

Until life changes as it always does. Change of the physical body in the form of illness, injury, decay, and death.  Doing ‘good’ doesn’t keep the natural changes of the body from happening.

LIFE TRANSITIONS ARE OPPORTUNITIES

It’s in these transitions of life, from changes in the physical body, that open up opportunities to become aware of the wall of protection and its false security it’s created. In these times, we face the choice of creating conscious change. How do I want to live going forward?

For women, midlife is a major time of life transitions happening all at once. Like a perfect storm, it can even seem like the universe has created this time period in our lives for a reason. 

In Yoga, there’s a holistic model of being human called the Panchakosha or 5 sheaths/layers. These layers are the physical body, energy/breath body, emotions and thought body, belief body, and bliss body.*

Due to biological changes in the body with menopause and aging, changes in relationships with aging parents and children becoming adults, and experiencing the ever changing world for 4-6 decades…

Reality hits hard. 

The choice that faces us is:

• How much energy do I put into preserving this wall of protection and how much energy do I put into taking it apart to experience a new view of myself?

THE STORY OF FEAR

If this feels like scary business, it is! It’s uncertain and unfamiliar. That sort of thing freaks our security seeking minds into panic. They’ve worked hard at keeping us in perceived safety. The mind isn’t ready to just give up. It’s been fighting or running away for its whole existence. Stopping and facing all we’ve protected ourselves from experiencing can seem like a psychological suicide inside. 

It can feel like a 100 foot wave headed right towards you because the dam has broken. Terrifying!

Despite the fear of it, when we have multiple, significant life transitions happening at the same time, this wall no longer serves us. It’s just not strong enough. Most likely, there’s a part of you that wants to stop fighting and running away because it’s tired. There’s a part of you that wonders what would happen if I let that wave happen?

But your mind unleashes fear, which is screaming at you to do what it says.

Just like when I was sitting in silence. My mind was feeling so unfamiliar with the experience it categorized it as ‘bad.’  Then it moved towards putting up the wall to protect me. Even though there was nothing to protect me from…

Except itself.

YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU SHOULD BE

Everything you are going through right now is 100%, completely normal in mid-life. All the changes are exactly what is supposed to happen. Pain is part of the process of living…which I know sucks.

But you aren’t alone in any of this!

Women have gone through exactly the same things for millennia. 

You can’t stop life from happening – no matter how big of a wall you build.

But you can change how you go through life. You get to choose:

• In this moment, do I want to preserve my wall of protection?
• In this moment, do I want to dismantle my wall of protection?
• In this moment, is there space for both to unfold?

CULTIVATE TRUST

When my mind was screaming at me in the middle of Day 5 of a silent retreat, the practice I was learning helped me meet my mind in a different way. I observed it, instead of taking its reaction as truth. In over 2 decades since, as I continue to observe my mind, my relationship with it has shifted.

I see my mind as a tool, a resource. It does an excellent job of keeping me safe when I am in actual danger. But 99.99% of the time when I’m not in danger, it’s part of my team in building self-trust.  My wall of protection is still there, but it’s much smaller. One day, who knows, maybe I’ll trust myself so completely there will no longer be a wall of protection.

Shanti.

P.S. If you are looking for support as you face transitions in your life and want to ‘do it differently’, let’s chat. I offer free 45 minute consultations to see if working with a Mind Coach is right for you. No pressure! My intention is for you to end the call feeling like you have a plan of what action to take next, whether it’s working with me or not. Schedule an online call here.

 

* The Sanskrit for these Panchakoshas are Annamaya Kosha, Pranamaya Kosha, Manomaya Kosha, Vijanamaya Kosha, Ananadamaya Kosha