Focusing on outcomes doesn’t help with long term calm and peace of mind.
When Greg and I first moved in together, I was fresh out of graduate school and starting my first job in mental health therapy. I had so much knowledge I was eager to use to help the world! That included Greg, LOL.
TRYING TO CONTROL OUTCOMES
I remember one situation where I was trying to figure out how to communicate to him what I wanted him to do, without nagging. He exclaimed in frustration, “Stop using that therapy talk on me!”
Knowing what I know now, it wasn’t the ‘therapy talk’ that he was reacting to, it was me trying to manipulate him into doing what I wanted. I mean, if he just did things the way I did them, things would be so much better! Ha!
All of us have been conditioned to focusing on outcomes since we were children. From getting rewarded for ‘being nice’ to praised for ‘good grades’ or reprimanded for ‘bad’ ones, this societal conditioning happened to us all. In most workplaces, ‘productivity’ is the measure of success rather than our skills and abilities. We proclaim, “I’m so busy,” as proof we have value.
In a former job, I was singled out in recognition many times for how well I did my paperwork. But, rarely ever recognized for the supportive relationship I built with the women who had life-changing shifts in my office. This was done to try and motivate others to do a better job at paperwork, even though it detracted from the actual reason we were all there.
PATTERNS FUELED BY AN OUTCOMES FOCUS
Words like ‘burnout’, ‘overthinking,’ perfectionism,’ and ‘people pleasing’ all have one thing in common – hyperfocus on outcomes. If you have ever been labelled as a ‘controlling,’ guaranteed that control is about making certain outcomes happen.
Our daily language is filled with outcome focused dialogue:
- “I just have to get through today…”
- “Be careful!”
- “I don’t want to make him react.”
- “Next time I just need to not say anything.”
- “I’ll just have to do it myself so it’s done right.”
- “I just need to stop doing that so ______ won’t get upset.
We are constantly trying to change ourselves to make other people happy and situations run smoothly. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. When it works, the mind attributes it to the amazing thing we did to cause that outcome. When it doesn’t work, the mind blames and tries to figure out a new tactic.
Bringing in the word ‘STRESS’ into the mix, I want you to take a moment to reflect. What is fueling your stress?
I bet it is an unmet outcome.
WHAT IS IN YOUR CONTROL?
The thing with outcomes is we actually don’t have any control over them!
Let me say that again – You Have No Control Over Outcomes.”
So, what can you control?
There are 2 common answers I get to that question:
- Nothing!
- Me.
It may FEEL like if you can’t control outcomes that there’s nothing that can be controlled. But, we do have some control in our life.
Some of you know that genuine control lies with yourself – yet it’s hard to put that into practice and override long-standing habits of trying to control the external world.
To make it easy, just remember 2 things:
- You can control your intention
- You can control your actions towards that intention
By intention, I mean how you are intending to show up and be in this world.
USING INTENTIONS INSTEAD OF OUTCOMES
For example, my intention for 2025 is to cultivate more acceptance. Now, I could stop with this word, but what does that mean? The type of acceptance I’m working on is acceptance of the transient nature of everything. This is my guide for the year.
It’s already been helpful!
I was working on finalizing the details of going skiing for the Lunar New Year holiday that is celebrated here in South Korea. It took a few tries to get the ski rental payment to go through. I’ve found out the past year and a half that this is common when paying from our South Korean bank account. Instead of feeling frustrated when the payment doesn’t go through the first time, I pause and take a breath, remind myself there’s nothing wrong and to just try again. The nature of any online bank system is that there will be times when it doesn’t go smoothly.
The Korean bank system not only is helping me practice acceptance, but also patience. Sending some gratitude out there for the seemingly frustrating experience. 😊
I encourage you to connect back to your intention in situations when you have a reaction.
Asking yourself what is the most important part of the situation to you? Then, get honest with the actions available to you and in your power to cultivate that value or intention.
I’ve had past clients who just work on this – intention and actions – and find it completely shifts the conflict and tension in their relationships!
Try it out and see what you notice.
Shanti.
P.S. If your intention is to cultivate more calm, acceptance, and clarity into your life, perhaps an action of finding a supportive community or like-minded women might help? Afterall, we tend to become who we surround ourselves with. I might be able to help! Schedule a Connection Call with me for a chat about your goals and intentions.