I’ve been observing within myself the pattern of ‘proving myself’ for probably close to 20 years. It’s a pattern that was taught to me by my parents. And to them by their parents. I’m sure continues to go back further into my family tree.
This is a pattern that I see in almost everyone I work with as well. This pattern has been passed down through the White, Anglo-Saxon, Christian culture I grew up in. I see it in other cultures that my clients are a part of too. It’s a pattern most of us have been conditioned to engage in to feel ‘worthy,’ ‘successful,’ ‘productive,’ and ‘good enough.’ And, in my opinion, it’s detrimental to our mental well being. Constantly trying to prove oneself is escaping from feeling “not enough.” When we don’t deal with underlying insecurities, they lead to chronic anxiety and depression.
THE PANCH KLESHAS
As a Yoga student, I’ve been studying the Yoga Sutra with my teacher now for about a decade. The first time I looked at this scripture, it was way over my head. Each time I’ve gone over it with my teacher and reviewing it on my own, I start to understand a bit more. This reflects the process of spiritual maturity that happens over time and with a regular Sadhana or spiritual practice. It’s been an amazing process to watch myself unfold over the years. I look forward to where my mind will be in another decade.
I recently had something ‘click’ into place and wanted to share it. It has to do with this pattern of ‘proving myself’ and what the Yoga Sutras name as the root of suffering – the Panch Kleshas, or 5 obstacles/ poisons.
The 5 Kleshas, just a brief introduction, are:
- Avidya: Ignorance of our True Nature or True Self
- Asmita: From this ignorance of our True Self, we start to define ‘who I am’ as our roles or identities. We have a lot of these Asmitas, from mother, daughter, friend, spouse to job-identity, activity identity, value-identity to past and future identities…the list goes on and on.
- Raga: Each of these identities develops attachments or ‘likes,’ deepening our ignorance.
- Dvesha: Each of these identities develops aversions or ‘dislikes, deepening our ignorance.
- Abhinivesha: Fear of Death – Each Asmita fears its death, so it clings and keeps us in the delusion that ‘who am I’ are the roles we play in life, keeping us from realizing the Truth of ‘who I am.’
HOW ‘PROVING MYSELF’ IS REALATED TO THE KLESHAS
The recent ‘click’ in my mind was realizing how this pattern of ‘proving myself’ is related to the Kleshas. ‘Proving myself’ is part of being conditioned to act and be in identities (kleshas), believing this is ‘who I am’ and relentlessly proving that I am worthy of being in a role. There are roles that society wants to make sure are filled so that the status quo can be maintained. When we don’t fall into line with the status quo, there are negative reactions and judgments from family, friends, acquaintances, and society at large.
I remember in college when I decided to stop eating red meat, which was a part of my family’s culture and part of what I was supposed to enjoy as a member. I was made fun of and told I was going through a “phase.” Luckily, I had found clarity in my choice and held my ground. It’s been over two decades since I changed and found my own clarity.
I believe one step in moving towards letting go of believing our roles are ‘who I am’ is to start being aware of each role we step into and then be able to step out of that role. Letting go of roles isn’t necessarily the solution. Being able to play a role and then leave it is the real practice. If we just recognize a role as a role, then, really, we no longer need to prove ourselves. The role is there to serve a purpose or a function. It’s not ‘who I am’ so there’s no need to spend more time and energy on a role than is necessary to perform that role.
It is written in many spiritual texts that we are already perfect as we are…this is our True Nature or True Self. Spiritual paths are about finding our way back there by letting go of the thoughts and beliefs that are not connected to True Self.
PRACTICES TO UNLEARN THE NEED TO PROVE YOURSELF
There are two specific practices that I’ve found helpful:
1. When you find yourself reacting, either out of aversion or attachment, stop and ask yourself, “What identity is this?” Get curious about it. I find naming the identity helps to detach from it and see it for what it is, which in turn usually decreases the reaction.
2. Take some time to get familiar with what thoughts, body sensations and emotions come up when you’re trying to ‘prove’ yourself. For me, this is saying “yes” to too many things, noticing my mind jumping around to lots of ideas, and then exhaustion from too much doing. By getting to know what happens to you, you can then watch for those triggers and meet it head on. Then remind yourself how you want to be instead, that you are okay as you are and you don’t have anything to prove. Unlearning this pattern takes practice in awareness. It takes willingness to lean into what feels uncomfortable and lots of patience with the process. Trust me, once you start to get used to identifying patterns, it’s actually becomes fun and playful like a game.
JOIN ME!
If this resonates with you and you’d like to learn more about unlearning the pattern of ‘I need to prove myself,’ then join me for one of these upcoming events:
– “BE YOUR OWN FRIEND In The New Normal,” July 10th from 8:30am – 12pm. An online Yoga Workshop with myself and my teacher, Prasad Rangnkar.
– “SAY ‘YES’ TO YOURSELF, Learn Tools to Create a More Confident, Balanced, and Joyful Life. A 5-Day Retreat at Joyful Journey Hot Springs, September 19th-23rd. Learn More: https://samyayogahealing.com/colorado/
Namaste.