With Labor Day in the U.S. this week, I wanted to reflect on the reality of America’s value of independence. Labor Day itself is a day to honor and remember those men and women who persistently pursued worker’s rights in this country. Part of ‘independence’ in this country means ‘if you work hard enough, you can get what you want,’ i.e. ‘The American Dream.’ Before workers rights existed, the majority of laborers were not valued as humans. They were treated as ‘less-thans’ to be exploited by business owners to increase the bottom line. 

I would say that what’s currently happening in our country with “The Great Resignation” may have something to do with erosion of these rights and recalibration of priorities and values.

In the past, “The American Dream’ wasn’t really accessible to most people. What is this ‘American Dream’ anyways? Coined by James Truslow Adams in 1931, he stated,

“Life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement” regardless of social class or circumstances of birth.” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Dream)

Whether this was, or hasn’t, actually been realized, it’s a belief system that has shaped multiple generations in this country.

The Negative Side of Being Independent

One of the core values of the American Dream is being self-sufficient, i.e. ‘pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.’ Being independent of needing help. In fact, this belief concludes that if you don’t succeed, there’s no one to blame except yourself, no matter where you came from or your life experiences. 

This cultural belief is one that I have found creates more disconnection, fear, and stress than it does empowerment. Most individuals who I work with struggle to ask for help. They self-blame and self-flagellate if they make a mistake, and see failures as proof they aren’t good enough. This creates a lot of shame. Unlearning this belief takes time, effort and practice. It’s a deeply ingrained one.

A Personal Experience in Asking for Help

Back in college, I had a significant internal struggle with this belief that to ask for help is “weak.” In the middle of the night, I was curled up on my dorm room bed sobbing. I had just found out earlier in the day that my parents were getting a divorce, news that came out of left field for me. I was alone, feeling like my world had shattered. All I wanted was to be held and comforted by someone…yet I was frozen with fear of being judged.

In the room next door was my best friend and my mind kept throwing out excuse after excuse why I shouldn’t burden her. It felt like I debated in my head for at least an hour over what to do. Finally, thinking what I would do if she was in this position. Then, reminding myself I trusted her, I got up (it was like moving through mud), opened my door and knocked on her door. She opened the door and I collapsed in her arms, sobbing. It was exactly what I needed.

What helped me to get my mind out of that frozen, minimizing, excuse-making rut was self-compassion. At age 19, I didn’t know that’s what I did, but it was a powerful force. Self-compassion helped me to break through the pattern and belief that it was ‘weak’ to ask for help. It didn’t all miraculously change from there, though it was a powerful moment that I kept remembering as I moved forward. It gave me a reminder that I wanted to be more compassionate with myself when that self-judging part reared its head.

Fear Divides, Love Unites.

That frozen reaction I had was from fear. Fear of being perceived as weak, not good enough, sensitive, over-reactive…the list goes on. The belief that I needed to be a “strong woman,” which means not burdening others with my emotions, also came into play. These beliefs and reactions had been taught to me by my family culture and the American culture at large.

The issue with living more from fear is that it keeps us from settling down into the part of the nervous system that allows us to connect meaningfully with others. Our body lives these fear-based beliefs by staying in a stress-response and in that state, nothing feels safe and it’s hard to build trust with others. The ironic thing about living from fear is that, as a pattern, it’s what ends up feeling comfortable, despite it being limiting.

The only way we can actually experience meaningful connection with others is if our nervous system is calm. This allows us to widen our view of the world to include more of the whole picture. It’s when we are in the parasympathetic part of the nervous system, also known as ‘tend and befriend.’ This is where we can connect to self-compassion, vulnerability, and joy.  

The American ideal of “independence” actually is creating more fear, more division, and is cutting us off from ourselves. If it’s not safe to feel and express the full variety of emotions we experience as humans. So, we have to resort to avoiding and escaping from those parts. This is why so many of us are walking around, existing from the neck up, completely avoiding ourselves. For many, it’s not okay to feel most emotions so we block ourselves off from those parts…most of which live in the body.

Change The Belief

The solution is to start unlearning the beliefs of independence that keep us from connecting more fully to ourselves and others. There are beliefs of independence that are helpful:

• Believing you’re capable.
• Believing that even in getting support you still have to take action.
• Believing that it’s okay if you don’t feel or think like others.
• Believing that we learn from our mistakes.

Unlearning is where Yoga tools, techniques and philosophy comes in. Yoga is the means to move from limiting, negative belief patterns. This allows us to connect, accept, and be with life as it is with more kindness and compassion. There are many, many ways Traditional Yoga texts tell us how we can go about this process. I want to give you a few practical ways.

Bringing in Tools of Yoga

1. Starting with a mindset shift with the Yamas and Niyamas. These are 10 ethical guidelines from Patanjali Yoga Sutras that are the first two components of an 8 component system called Asha-Tanga Yoga. (Not to be confused with the Asana style Ashtanga Yoga…very different). I would encourage you to start with the first Yama, Ahimsa (Non-harming).The other four Yamas come underneath this profound principle. Read my past blog on specific practices for Ahimsa. If you are practicing living in a more non-harmful way, that includes self-talk.

When you’re finding yourself judging when you’re struggling and need help or shaming you for not ‘being stronger,’ that’s a big red stop sign with an ahimsa practice. Those are harming behaviors. To shift to a non-harming mindset means stopping this pattern and practicing one that is more kind and based in the facts, not a belief story. 

2. Bring it back to the breath. I can’t emphasize enough the simple yet powerful tool the breath is when the mind is freaking out and stressing out. Just simply becoming aware of your breath starts to slow down the mind and activate the parasympathetic nervous system. I have found ratio breathing with counting, Dirgha Pranayama, and Stair Step Breath favorites with my students because they are simple and get the mind to let go of its story. 

And Self-Compassion

3. Self-compassion, which is what helped me back in college. There are MANY ways to practice self-compassion. One is just simply finding a kind phrase that reminds you of your common humanity. “It’s okay this is hard, I’m not used to asking for help.” “I’m learning and practicing doing it differently so it’s going to be messy.” “It’s normal to feel this, it makes sense that I feel this.” Once you find your phrase, keep repeating it and write it up somewhere so you can see it to remember to use it.

It never ceases to amaze me that self-compassion phrases are some of the most profound tools for mindset changing. So simple! You may have to experiment with different phrases. Maybe ask others what phrases they use to speak kindly to themselves in challenging situations. You might be surprised how many people already use this tool.

Start Questioning and Reflecting

The Labor Movement was all about people questioning workplace practices, listening to their hearts tell them there’s a better way, and then starting to speak up and take action to help society unlearn a limiting belief system. It’s a continued process and we’re currently seeing new beliefs about working come up and challenge the 9 to 5 mentality. Let that inspire us to reflect on what areas in our lives we desire change, yet keep making excuses we can’t. This September, take action to step into a new version of yourself!

Namaste.

 

Want to learn more about the Yamas and Niyamas, dive deeper into Yoga as a lifestyle, and connect more to your True Nature? The next Yamas and Niyamas Sangha, an 8-week, online group study, starts October 5th, 2022. Learn more at https://samyayogahealing.com/workshops/.