I grew up in Anchorage, Alaska. My parents were far from their families, who all lived on the East Coast of the ‘lower forty-eight’. So, friends became a second family and an important part of their emotional support system. Community was important, especially in the cold, dark winter months. Some of my fondest memories are of gathering in the brightly lit homes we entered after walking through tunnels of snow crunching beneath our feet. Opening the door to drop coats and boots in the foyer and then entering the lively, cozy atmosphere to warm embraces of friends brings a smile to my face.
BEING HUMAN
Human beings are innately wired for connection and community. Some of us get our cup filled up by spending time with one person. Others thrive on being around many people. And then there is also connection with non-humans too!
All of those connections with others happen more readily and at a deeper level when we connect with ourselves.
This important relationship connection gets neglected regularly despite it being the closest connection we have. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard women share that they’d rather do anything than be alone with themselves. And it’s not just women! In fact, one research study from 2014 found that participants (67% of men and 25% of women) would rather shock themselves than sit alone with their thoughts for 6-15 minutes.
Tell me, when was the last time you just sat for 10 minutes without reaching for your phone or some other distraction?
DISCONNECTION WITHIN AND WITH OTHERS
I have a hunch that with so many screens in our lives and information at the touch of our finger tips, our minds have become less connected with ourselves than ever. Time spent in community with others, without screens, is also elusive for many people.
It doesn’t surprise me that with this mindless disconnect from ourselves that we are living in a time where fear has had a resurgence. The National Alliance On Mental Illness (NAMI) reported that the people who are most likely to die by suicide are men. And transgender people are 9x more likely to attempt suicide in their lives compared to the general population. Those numbers highlight two groups who, from a social-norm perspective, tend to share less about their emotions—whether due to feeling it’s unacceptable to speak openly or because they lack a supportive community. Or both. I would also guess that those who don’t feel able to fully be who they are and don’t have access to a supportive community, have also had to disconnect from themselves.
I truly believe that one of the big missing pieces of the puzzle to reduce not only mental illness, but our day to day mood swings, overreactions, and overdoing is connection. Both to ourselves and to others in a more meaningful way. No matter how many prescriptions are given, vacations are taken, and exercise classes are engaged in – if we are not learning how to build a stronger relationship within, we will keep struggling.
I want to be clear, I’m not saying to drop everything else. I don’t believe there is a ‘silver bullet’ to ‘feeling good.’ Rather, feeling whole, grounded, and peaceful is a lifestyle that includes multiple resources practiced consistently. And one of the legs on that foundation is an inner connection.
LIVE YOUR LIFE ‘AS IS’ AND…
In our busy, ‘doing’ lives, trying to add one more thing can send us into a spiral of overwhelm. The beauty about cultivating an inner relationship with yourself is that it doesn’t require you to add anything. You are always with yourself every moment of every day.
The key is learning how to use your daily life as you are already living it. The action is to start paying attention and noticing yourself. Here are 3 questions to start asking yourself when a situation comes up that is challenging for you to build relationship with yourself:
- What do I observe in my mind, my body, and my breath?
- What emotion(s) do I feel right now?
- What need do I have that is not being met by myself or within this situation?
These sound simple, yet the implementation of them in our daily life takes time, practice, and support.
Start with question #1 and commit to this observation for a month to see what happens. Notice what goes well and what are the obstacles to the practice? Seek help to move through the obstacles.
Shanti.
P.S. When you discover an obstacle keeping you from observing what is happening in your mind, body, and breath, let me know what it is. I’m available for a free Connection Call any time. Schedule it here.