Self-judgment comes from a focus of lack. This lack is about wanting to be something you’re not or don’t have. From this attitude of lack, inevitable thoughts go to ‘not enough.’ And then you find yourself in a spiral of misery. For many of us, our minds combat this misery by going into the ‘Fix-it’ mindset. We try to fix what we are judging to be ‘wrong’ with us. The problem with this is that we get stuck in the mentality that something is wrong with us, when really that’s not true. Let’s go over a different way to meet self-judgment that lifts you up instead of keeps you stuck.

THE IDENTITY OF MS. FIX-IT

What is the ‘fix-it’ mindset?

It means you are coming from the belief that something is wrong with you and  you need to be fixed. Usually it’s around trying to fit into some social norm like being a ‘good’ mom, wife, woman, employee, friend. An example is a belief that being a ‘good’ friend means you’re always there for others. (Interestingly, this is the same norm for all those other roles I listed. It’s a pretty strong social norm).

Then, when you find that actions or thoughts that you have go against ‘always-be-there-for-others,’ this creates conflict within. To get through that conflict, Ms. Fix-It comes out to work on changing actions and thoughts so you’re more in line with social norms. This can become a problem when those actions and thoughts turn negative. Ms. Fix-It can get you to punish yourself through binge eating, not eating, over-exercising, over-working, shopping excessively, drinking excessively…basically whatever it takes to escape and avoid how you’re feeling.

She also works hard on trying to prove your worth by putting everything in front of yourself. The first thing to go out the window are all the positive self-care and self-love actions to help others instead of yourself. And, man, can this be exhausting and draining! Maybe you find yourself feeling resentful of others.

Whenever I hear women say, “I’m just so tired of caring and trying to fix myself,” I know Ms. Fix-It is in charge.

A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE

How can we get out from underneath the thumb of  Ms. Fix-It?

First, we have to accept she’s there for a reason. If we look at her as something ‘bad’ and something to ‘get rid of,’ then we are still in ‘fix-it’ mode. 

Most of us learned to listen to Ms. Fix-It because we were taught by our parents, adults, and society that in order to ‘belong’ we must fit in the box. This box is the status quo definition of what it means to be a woman and all her roles. None of us are this box so trying to fit into it can be so suffocating! It can be dehumanizing. Some of us have had to be self-destructive trying to get into that box.

By accepting this box is simply what we were taught, then we can invite self-compassion in. Give yourself a hug and tell yourself it’s normal to want to ‘belong’ and feel accepted by others. Let yourself know that there’s another way to do it though and it’s time to stop forcing yourself to be someone you’re not. Tell Ms. Fix-It, “Thanks but no thanks. This isn’t how I want to do it anymore.”

Now let’s look at another way to meet self-judgment. It’s time to shift to a ‘Learning’ Mindset.

THE ‘LEARNING’ MINDSET

What is a learning mindset?

This mindset comes from the basic understanding that you are fine as you are and there’s nothing to ‘fix’ per se. Instead, life is all about learning and growing. So, when there’s conflict in life, it’s an opportunity to learn. Actually, it’s more of a process of unlearning what you thought to be true and understanding something that’s based more in facts of the present.

A learning mindset involves

• Acceptance of the present.
• Self-compassion towards yourself as a human being.
• An attitude of curiosity about yourself.

Curiosity’s main action is questioning. There’s a HUGE difference from making self-judging statements to asking questions. What would your life be like if you went from berating yourself with negative statements to asking curious questions instead?

A recent personal example of this happened recently to me when I snapped at my partner. It would have been very easy to blame him for my anger. But, I’ve been practicing a learning mindset for sometime now, so my immediate response was curiosity. It went something like this,

Curiosity: “Wow, Twyla, where did that come from?”

My Reaction: “I’m so stressed right now. We are going to miss the bus. It’s already getting late in the afternoon. Argh!”

Curiosity: “Why is getting that bus so important?”

My Reaction: “Because…well, because I said it was…hmmm, I guess it really doesn’t matter. (Inhale and long exhale) I was hoping to get that bus but since I couldn’t find my wallet, it’s just not going to happen. It’s fine to get the next bus.” (Feeling relief and less stressed)

I was also able to verbally own my behavior to Greg, agree with what he had said and let him know that saying something to me at a different time would have allowed me to take that information in better, instead of when I’m acting frantic. All good. We went about the rest of our day.

The last point I want to make is around self-compassion. Look, you are human. Humans have emotions and reactions. That’s okay. Expecting not to have emotions and reactions is rooted in the ‘fix-it’ mindset. Instead, accepting that emotions and reactions will happen allows curiosity to happen. Now, you’re in the learning mindset.

REMIND YOURSELF

Remember: Accept, Self-Compassion, Curiosity

Write these words up somewhere you can see them and start practicing. It’ll be messy at first, just keep coming back to the Learning Mindset.

 

Namaste.

P.S. If you’re ready to make the shift to a Learning Mindset and find yourself lost in midlife relationship changes, I might be able to help. Learn about  the 3-Step process that has helped many of my clients move from lack to abundance, from reacting to responding in “The Find Calm Formula” Masterclass.