US Independence Day is this week. I took some time to read the Declaration of Independence, which I don’t think I’ve ever read in its entirety before. It documents the reasons why the 13 colonies reached a point where the support of the British Royal Crown no longer outweighed the negative treatment from the King and Britain. This document is a declaration of severing these ‘bonds’ to be free to create a government of its own. As history showed, this was not an easy road but one the colonies decided to take to see how the dreams of its citizens would manifest with action. I’m sure there was much fear and concern, as well as excitement and a sense of adventure. It’s no wonder that this energy that began almost two and a half centuries ago, continues to draw people from all over to reinvent themselves here.

DEFINING INDEPENDENCE

I want to take the time to explore the word ‘independence’, which has become synonymous with this country. What does it mean? And can there be such a thing as too much independence?

Vocabulary.com shares the epistemology of independence as coming from the French word depenre which means “to hang from or down” and the Latin prefix ‘in’ which means not. Independence literally means not to hang from something else. The US sought to end its governing connection from Britain to be independent. 

In essence, to me, independence means to end aspects of a relationship for personal growth. For example, adolescents go through a developmental stage to find their independence from being a child that depends on their parents to one that is more independently their own self. 

Independence is a broad continuum where one end is complete dependence and the other is complete independence. Of course, most of the negotiations in relationships are somewhere in the middle. There are many types of independence that can be sought in relationships with others as well as within ourselves. Financial, social, spiritual, and emotional to name a few. Ultimately, independence is tied to change.

CHANGE AND INDEPENDENCE

Whenever change comes into play, there is inevitable conflict that arises in the process of moving along the continuum between more or less dependence and more or less independence. It is a process of letting go, of death and birth, of moving from familiar to uncertainty or vice versa. In this space, there will be fear and anxiety for our human mind and bodies because at its basic level, the mind-body system’s purpose is to keep us safe and alive. Change rarely feels 100% safe.

I would go so far as to say that change can not occur without this dynamic between dependence and independence. We are in a constant dance between these two in our daily life.  They are also aspects of stability and mobility. When we move to the far side of the ends of this continuum, anxiety increases. 

When there’s too much dependence or stability the alarms sound. “I’m stuck! Help!”

When there’s too much independence or mobility the alarms sound. “I’m confused, I don’t know where I am! Help!”

The truth is, to be a thriving human being, to feel safe and secure so that we can explore the depth of ‘Who I Am,’ both dependence and independence are needed. Both stability and mobility are needed. I think of the example of secure attachment in babies with their caretakers. When a baby can trust its relationship with its mother (dependence), it feels free to explore the environment (independence). There’s a point of harmony there for that baby. As that baby goes through other developmental stages, that point of harmony between dependence and independence changes. In fact it must change in order for that human to continue its evolution in this life.

TOO MUCH INDEPENDENCE?

What I currently observe in the United States is generally a case of too much independence. As a whole, we are confused and lost. We like the comforting aspects we’ve grown accustomed to around material abundance, but there are aspects of that behavior that are negative and harmful to ourselves, community members, and earth. Some are fighting, some are ignoring to avoid change, and others are stuck in feeling bad. Because of the conflict, we are overusing numbing tactics that end creating more independence from our emotions in the form of separation and disconnection.

With the changes that are happening so quickly, this human body we’ve been given is sounding many alarms because it’s scary and uncertain, especially for those of us who grew up in a different time. “It took 2.4 million years for our ancestors to control fire and use it for cooking, but 66 years to go from the first flight to humans landing on the moon.” Reflect on that. 

I know for myself, when I go to log onto my computer and there’s been an update that changes the way it functions, my first reaction is frustration. “What the heck! Why can’t they just leave what works well enough alone!” My mind craves certainty that has been disrupted. What about you?

TWO SIDES OF INDEPENDENCE

That is the thing about independence, there are aspects of it that you are excited about and fantasize about. It’s kind of like when you leave home for the first time. You’re so excited and have been waiting your whole life to be free! Free from having your parents tell you what to do and how to live. Free to be whomever you want and do whatever you want. Yes!!!

And then you get that freedom and the realization is “Oh, shit. I’m responsible for what now?!” The reality of what it means to survive without that dependence can bring in a lot of fear. If you’re lucky, you can seek some reassurance from your parents, knowing if you completely fail they’ve got your back. Some aren’t that lucky.

The reality is that independence includes many aspects that are painful and scary.

What does our mind-body system do when it encounters pain and fear? It either fights, flights, or freezes. What is yours doing right now in the midst of daily change and uncertainty?

Remember – This is not bad. It’s our mind-body system doing what it’s evolved to do.  But, it’s also not a state that we can stay in for long or we burn ourselves out. Either fear will take over or the fearlessness of having nothing left to lose happens. Sometimes both. Or the reality of choice appears out of the confusion. Stay in fear or find another way. 

The moment of division we are currently in as a nation, did not happen recently. It’s been a crack that has grown wider as we, as a nation have gone further into this fear-based cycle. And we’ve been operating in this cycle now for decades and for some of us, our entire lives. 

INDEPENDENCE BURNOUT

The independence we’ve been taught – lift yourself up by your bootstraps, be the best, become great – has burned many of us out. 

There is a dire need for connection (more dependence, which is not negative). Connection to community, family, and self. All of these connections have been severed in the name of independence. This excessive independence has fostered separation. When we feel separate, fear comes into that space. Most of us are operated from a fear-based place.

But it doesn’t have to continue this way. 

The independence that was created just shy of 250 years ago, was only attainable because of connection and relationship. Enough people in the 13 colonies decided that they would come together to create something that had never been created before in human history. It was hard, there was conflict. There was also dialogue, compromise, and perseverance.

This country continues to be part of this great experiment. It continues to require dialogue, compromise and perseverance in order for it to continue forward.

It requires each of us to take time to reflect within and find ourselves. If we don’t have clarity, integrity, and a balance of stability with mobility within – how can we expect our country to embody this? A country is, after all, just made up of individuals.

TAKE SOME TO TO REFLECT WITHIN

Some reflection questions this week of independence:

1. What does the word independence mean to you? What does the word dependence mean to you?
2. Where in your life is there too much independence and where in your life is there too much dependence?
3. What is one change you can make to find more balance between independence and dependence in your life? Between mobility and stability?
4. What are you most scared and anxious about right now in this country?
5. What would create more calm in your mind and body?
6. How can you cultivate more of this in your life?

Remember, the more separation in your life, the more anxiety you will experience. The more connections in your life, the less anxiety you will experience.

Shanti.

P.S. In my personal and professional experience, the biggest disconnect that contributes to anxious reactions is within. Self-understanding and self-knowing is the key to living a calm, clear, and stead life no matter what is happening in the world outside. Curious to learn more? Schedule a time to chat with me any time and find out how I might be able to support you.