Emotional reactions get a bad rap. Most women have been taught at a young age that their emotions don’t matter. When they burst out angrily in a situation or started crying when feeling hurt, many times they are told to control their anger and stop their crying. And they saw their friends, sisters, and mothers all get the same message. If you want to be heard, keep the emotions in check. But there are many amazing aspects of uncomfortable emotion that can’t be used if we close ourselves off to them.

Let a woman raise herself by her Self, never let her lower herself; for she alone is the friend of herself and she alone is the enemy of herself. – Bhagavad Gita 6.5

EMOTIONS ARE NOT GOOD OR BAD

Emotions are energy from the mind-body complex that happens when an event occurs and we interpret that situation through our current experiences and learnings up until that point. 

Our emotions communicate how we are thinking about that event and what our body feels in response to that event. 

The ‘good’ or ‘bad’ analysis of the emotional reaction comes from the feedback we’ve received from others and our environment over our life. One person may feel uncomfortable in a crowd, so they not only label how they feel as negative, but also the entire experience as ‘bad.’  Another person in the crowd may feel excitement in the exact same crowd, so their interpretation is that they feel ‘good’ and also describe the situation as ‘positive.’

Neither person is right or wrong, they are just viewing their emotional reaction and the situation through their current perspective.

With a strong cultural perspective that uncomfortable emotions are ‘bad,’ we end up inferring that any situation in which we feel these uncomfortable emotions is also ‘bad,’ even if in reality it’s neutral or even positive. This is how our thoughts about emotional reactions start to limit us.

I used to label anxiety as ‘bad,’ because I blamed it for keeping me from participating in a number of things I wanted to do but talked myself out of doing. But it wasn’t anxiety that was limiting…

It was my thinking about anxiety that limited me, stopped me from taking actions. 

BELIEFS FROM THE PAST

Uncomfortable emotions are highly useful, if we take a moment to examine them before overgeneralizing them. What I mean by overgeneralizing is deciding all uncomfortable emotions need to be fixed just because I had a few negative situations in which those emotions were present.

Maybe watching parents fight often when as a child felt scary. Or growing up, the adults around you weren’t emotionally available as you needed. There are so many experiences and they shape our beliefs and behaviors towards our emotions. 

Avoid fear by not doing new things or fighting it by diving head first into anything without discerning consequences. Searching for connection, mistaking praise, attention, and sex for love. Believing that it is your responsibility to make another person feel good or feel better.

When we stay focused on protecting ourselves, we end up missing out on using the amazing aspects of emotional reactions. Because most of us women (and men for that matter) have been taught that uncomfortable emotions are weak and need to be fixed to move forward, we have no idea that if we pause to listen to them, they would let us know exactly what we need to feel better.

EMOTIONS ARE A PART OF BEING HUMAN

Since we are human, we’ve been gifted with not only the ability to feel an amazingly large number of emotions, but also a mind that can learn to understand them and discern how to use them.  

Mantis shrimp have 12 pigments they can see, while humans only have three.  Dogs can smell 10,000 times more acutely than humans. Every being on this planet has its ‘special’ and unique abilities. And though other animals also have emotions…

Humans are able to show and communicate emotions more in depth than most other species – not only to each other but to the entire planet! We have an amazing capacity for empathy and compassion.

By reducing emotions to ‘good’ or ‘bad’, we are dehumanizing ourselves because we are cutting off one of the main aspects of being human

We are also greatly diminishing our ability to communicate in relationships. What would you rather hear from your loved one when you asked about their day:

1. Oh, it was fine.
2. A lot happened today! On my way to work, there was this huge accident…just horrible. It made me feel sad for whoever was in it and their families. It reminded me how much I love you and our children…even when I’m angry or upset…How was your day?

How connected to #1 do you feel? How connected to #2 do you feel?

Interacting with each other has the potential to change mood, thoughts, perspective…if we understand our own emotions and reactions. It’s time to let go of judging our reaction and begin to listen to it.

She is esteemed who looks with equal regard upon well-wishers, friends, enemies, neutrals, a mediator, the hateful, relatives, upon the righteous, and the unrighteous. – Bhagavad Gita 6.9

I DON’T FEEL CONNECTED

A common complaint I’ve heard over the past two decades from women is they don’t feel connected to their partners. Why is this? Because both people don’t understand their own emotional reactions and take responsibility for them. Instead, they point the finger at one another, blaming. If we don’t know ourselves, how can we share honestly and genuinely? 

It’s a truly amazing experience to witness when one person can communicate how they truly feel about a specific situation. I’ve seen in a moment, a couple go from being defensive to visibly relaxing and opening up to each other just because they finally feel heard. 

This also happens with ourselves. 

I have a personal example of this from a few weeks ago when I was trying to communicate resistance around some future plans this summer. I struggled to understand my own resistance, so my communication was scattered and confusing. As I kept working on understanding myself through internal dialogue and listening, the moment I discovered the thought that was actually causing my resistance – my whole body relaxed and I just started laughing.

From that understanding, I could have a conversation with myself and my partner. And, all the sudden, there was no longer an issue. Gone…poof. All the reasons I thought I had resisted the plans were invalid. I was able to move forward.

I could not have done this without being willing to face and converse with my uncomfortable emotions of resistance: fear and worry. I wish I could bottle it up to show everyone the amazing aspects of emotional reactions when we turn towards them, instead of away.

THE AMAZING ASPECT OF EMOTIONAL REACTIONS

Uncomfortable emotions are like a spotlight on a field. They are showing us exactly what we need to pay attention to in order to find relief and feel better.

All the fighting, avoiding, and fixing we all done with emotions has caused us to be like hamsters in a hamster wheel…expending a lot of energy and not getting very far.

Yes, there may have been moments of relief but they don’t last long. And, years later, we’re STILL complaining about the same emotional reactions. Right?

This is the shift that NEEDS to happen to move through emotional reactions to find more lasting peace of mind.

Put down the boxing gloves, turn 180 degrees from outside to inside, and drop the ‘fixer’ hat…

Begin to cultivate curiosity, acceptance, and trust with those seemingly uncomfortable emotions. All they are trying to do is get your attention and help out so you can be the best version of yourself (that you already are). Tap into the amazing aspects of emotional reactions!

Like the quote from the Bhagavad Gita I wrote in the beginning of this post – will you continue to be your own worst enemy or start becoming your own best friend?

Shanti.

P.S. Want to know more about how to move from being your own worst enemy to your own best friend? Let’s chat about what I offer and see if it’s a good fit for you. Schedule a Connection Call any time!