Let’s look at control. My teacher once said, when talking about hamstrings, “If you have tight hamstrings, you need to look at what you’re trying to control.” Yes, I have tight hamstrings. I also have tightness in my jaw and shoulders, as well as an active mind that’s future focused. This is one of my life long practices – learning to focus on what I can control and let go of what I can’t. Where is your focus?

Most of us have the tendency to either think too much about the past or spend too much time thinking about the future. And some go back and forth more equally. No matter what the tendency is of your mind, none of it helps us to be more safe and secure. If your mind feels more in control because of this mind traveling, it’s a false sense of control.

Where do we have control in our lives? 

We only have control over how we meet what is happening right now, in the present. We only have control over whether we react or respond to the present situation.  

GET TO KNOW YOUR MIND

To first get to know where your mind spends the most time, take some time over the next week to randomly pause and see where your mind is at. Set a few alarms or reminders for each day on your phone or watch. When those go off, write down where your mind is at or what it’s thinking at that moment. After the week, notice what the pattern is: Are you more in the past or more in the future or both? (Another option is to notice and write down your worries and concerns each day. Then after a week, notice if your worries and concerns are more past or future focused). 

THE PAST

When the mind is more stuck in rehashing the past, it’s trying to change what happened. The mind isn’t accepting what happened, i.e. it’s not accepting ‘what is.’ Instead, it’s fighting the past. “I should have…” “If only I had…” What does this create for you in your body, breath, and mind?

Most likely, you don’t feel good enough and feel you have to work hard to prove you’re not ‘that person’ who made that mistake. If a person stays stuck in feeling guilty and ashamed of the past, then that breeds fear and insecurity about the future. Beliefs about behaviors from the past start to become ‘Who I am.’ 

Instead, change perspective, i.e. change your focus. Why do we make mistakes? Do you really think all humans make mistakes so they can feel shitty and miserable, just beating themselves up? Would you tell this to a friend or loved one who just made a mistake?

Making mistakes is a part of being human. It’s one way that we learn. Mistakes are ‘learnings’, no matter how painful they may be. We can learn from our own mistakes and we can learn from others’ mistakes.

“Learn from the past, Emancipate, and Move On.” – Prasad Rangnekar

THE FUTURE

My mind loves to spend time fantasizing and planning the future. I got a really good look at this in 2002 when I did a Vipassana Meditation Course in Bodhgaya, India. During one 45 min session, when my mind was supposed to be practicing noticing physical sensations, it got hooked by a future story. I fantasized almost the whole time about a man I had met several months earlier and lived out an entire relationship! Absolutely none of it was true, but man oh man, did I love that ‘feel-good’ neurotransmitter dump. It kept me hooked.

That experience was an ‘in-my-face-learning’ that I will never forget. It helped me recognize when my mind was going into a future story. The rest of the course, when my mind wandered, I’d take a breath, unhook my awareness and bring it back to body sensations. In the end, I felt more calm and peaceful being in the present, rather than being in the future story. The ‘feel good’ neurotransmitter dump wasn’t lasting and then I felt exhausted afterwards.

What about planning?? Yes, we need to plan things, though I caution going too far into the future. When we plan, it’s helpful to recognize that it is the future and anything can change. Right now, just because you book a plane flight, doesn’t mean it will go as scheduled…or that the flight will even exist in the future! I remind myself, “Plan, then let go. Plan, then let go. You can meet the situation as it unfolds.”

FOCUS ON WHAT I CAN CONTROL

One of the most helpful practices for my future obsessed mind that wants to control uncertainty is:

1. I can control my intentions. (Intentions are the way I want to show up in this world, i.e. honesty, trust, calm, accepting, love, etc.)
2. I can control my actions towards my intentions. (The intention is our guide. If I want to live more honestly, I’m going to use life situations to take action towards that intention).
3. I CAN NOT (repeat CAN NOT) control the outcome. (The mind gets tricky here because when it does predict an outcome that happens, it gives that as proof it can control outcomes. Yet, it conveniently forgets all the outcomes it got wrong).

COME BACK TO THE PRESENT

Once you are aware the mind is ruminating about the past or fantasizing about the future, it’s a celebration! Why?? Because now you can decide if you want to stay there, spending your precious energy in drama, or you can consciously start to bring the mind to the present. This is TRUE control and empowerment.

One of the most simple and accessible ways to come to the present is using your breath and body. They are ALWAYS in the present. (And very few things are ‘always’ or ‘never.’ This is one of those exceptions). Just shift your focus and awareness to the breath or to body sensations. This is one thing I often do to start workshops, courses, and individual sessions because it’s such an important practice. I can’t tell you how many people say ‘Thank you’ for this simple practice after I lead them through it.

Coming to the present is like a huge exhale. You know it when the mind is present because the body relaxes and it feels more expansive and connected. Why is this? Because, when we come back to what we control and realize the present moment, usually, our whole being feels safe and secure. We are in the Parasympathetic Nervous System of ‘Tend and Befriend’ and ‘Rest and Digest.’ 

I know for some, though, this can feel extremely scary because it’s also a vulnerable place. Especially, if you grew up in an environment where you couldn’t just rest and let your guard down. For those of you who have had this kind of unsafe upbringing, or unsafe life experiences, coming to the present and relaxing will take more time and practice. Baby steps. Most likely you would benefit from working with a therapist or someone trained in healing trauma in the nervous system. Do what it takes, though, because you deserve to find your way to true empowerment.

POINTS TO REMEMBER

Here’s a summary of what I feel are the most important points to remember about control:

1. Control is not found in the past or future, it lives in the present.
2. I can control my intention and my actions toward that intention.
3. I can not control the outcomes. (Future)
4. I can learn from my mistakes and others’ mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities to learn.
5. I can not change the past. I can only learn from the past.
6. I can use my learnings from the past to shape my intentions and my actions in the present, thus creating a different future.
7. The present is where my breath and body are and I can always come back to them.
8. Living more in the present takes effort and practice. It’s a lifestyle change.

Let me know how your practice goes! (tlgingrich@samyayogahealing.com)

Namaste.

If any of this resonates, dive deeper into finding true control and empowerment in your life with my FREE Guide: “6 Steps to Emotional Mastery.” Move from over-reacting to calmly responding.