Moving into February, known as the month to celebrate love, I feel it is more important than ever to focus on Self-love. We have all been through so much in 2020 and we all deserve more love and kindness. This starts with loving ourselves.
Without Self-Love, We Become Self-Destructive
How do you treat yourself? How do you talk to yourself when you make a mistake, when you aren’t feeling your best, or when you are faced with change? The way we treat ourselves directly impacts our mood and mental well-being.
I saw an article in Forbes on December 28, 2020 on “4 Post Pandemic Mental Health Trends and Predictions for 2021.” I was struck by the data on employees and personal leave time taken in 2020.
“But a new Skynova survey of 1,000 employees shows that’s not happening. Nearly 30% of employees report their time-off policies are more restricted during the pandemic. A full 61% plan to work during the holidays this year, and 54% said they were apprehensive of asking for additional time off for fear of falling behind—even though those who did reported higher morale. A Monster study also reported almost half of workers didn’t use all of their PTO this year.”
In a year that was filled with more change, stress, uncertainty, and global unrest, I was flabbergasted that more than half of people surveyed did not take a break for themselves. Now I know that for some, options for what to do may have been much more limited, but even taking time to ‘not do’ is important to recharge our batteries.
This is just not okay. It shows that we are diving even deeper into dealing with challenges and stress as a culture by avoiding and overdoing. This mentality that our value is based on productivity, that ‘doing’ keeps us safe and secure, and if we push through things we won’t have to deal with our emotions is a big part of the epidemic of anxiety and depression within the United States and globally.
It’s Time to Let Go of the Quick Fix
Medication tends to be one of the first lines of defense to ‘manage’ anxiety and depression because it’s easy and doesn’t take much effort on our end. Yet, those very medications (especially benzodiazepines and SSRIs), for a significant part of the population who take them, exacerbate and even increase symptoms or have major withdrawal effects that are debilitating for some (protracted withdrawal). Medication, for most people, needs to be one of the last tools used, while less invasive, lifestyle changes and work on the mind are explored first. And, we have to value ourselves enough to put the time and effort in to make those changes. Our well-being is our responsibility…no one else’s.
This is where the practice of self-love comes in – it is essential for a healthy mind and body. If you find yourself constantly compromising the time you’ve set aside for yourself to help others, or maybe you feel taking time for yourself is selfish, you have a self-love deficit. I’m going to bet that you tend to take care of everyone else’s needs first and you get a lot out of helping others to the point that you feel under-appreciated and resentful at times because when you need help, others aren’t there. Again, this is a self-love deficit.
Those of us who are natural caregivers, helpers, and peacemakers can easily fall into feeling our self-worth is wrapped up in these roles. That this is where you find your value, so you ‘should’ be available to the world at the drop of a pin. As a born caretaker, who has been working years on cultivating more self-love, I can tell you that focusing more on others than yourself only leads to burnout, frustration, resentment, and guilt. This is not good for your well-being and certainly doesn’t help you show up well in supporting others.
Use Daily Lifestyle Choices to Cultivate Self-love
There are basic lifestyle areas that are practical and good places to start showing love to yourself. Everything I’m going to suggest, though, has a common theme, which is SLOWING DOWN so that you can take time to enjoy giving to yourself. Slowing down is how we connect to self, become aware of self, and can listen to what we actually need.
Take time to cook and eat. Modern day conveniences were developed to make us more productive machines, not for our well-being. Quick meals in the microwave, eating over-processed and over-packaged food on the go, and taking less than ten minutes to eat a meal is not healthy. Our bodies (and minds) do much better when we cook our meals from scratch, use ingredients that are alive, and take time to chew, taste, and enjoy the meal. I know we live in a fast-paced world and thinking about cooking a meal can be overwhelming. So, start with one meal and keep it simple. I’m going to let you know that the Instant Pot has been my lifesaver in this area (or any version of it). I know the mail order meals like “Hello Fresh” and “Blue Apron” are another easy way to start cooking meals (though I do want to encourage thinking about the environmental impact of this option…non-harming includes the environment).
Use habits already in your daily routine. We all have daily time spent doing hygiene activities. What’s your mindset while you’re brushing your teeth or lathering up in the shower? Practicing saying kind things to yourself or listening to something uplifting can be a loving gesture. Taking time to do some self-massage while putting on lotion is wonderful. What products are you using? Ones that are full of harmful ingredients for the body and the environment? Or products that are more natural and healthy for the body? Ayurveda, which is the sister science to Yoga, has wonderful practices and products for managing a positive mind state, while keeping the body and the environment healthy.
Quiet Time. Taking some time (I recommend daily) to just sit quietly and be. Even just 5 minutes is a great place to start. Whether it’s sitting quietly, enjoying a warm cup of tea or just sitting outside looking at nature, taking time to just be with yourself is feeding the spirit. Practices like meditation and breath awareness also fall into this category. Value yourself enough that you start to enjoy quiet time with yourself. (This takes practice.)
Our nervous system likes routine. Routine makes us feel safe and secure because it’s familiar. Morning routines and rituals help put our mind in a more positive frame for the day. Bedtime routines and rituals help to calm the mind and body, which helps to prepare for sleep. And these routines might be the one place in life that can remain steady in times of change and challenge. Soothe yourself by sticking to a morning and bedtime routine.
Yoga Practice – Ahimsa and Satya
Then, there are the areas of self-love that are more internal, like how we talk to and value ourselves. Yoga provides the framework for self-love practice within the first to Yamas, or ethical practices of Yoga – Ahimsa (Non-harming) and Satya (Truthfulness).
Ahimsa or non-harming is a practice that leads us more to a state of love. It’s not only about being non-harming to others, but to ourselves. When we become aware of how we talk to ourselves and aware of how daily choices affect how we treat ourselves, then we can start to choose to be less harmful and more loving towards ourselves.
Satya or truthfulness, is about getting honest with ourselves about time management, with what we really need versus what others tell us, and with where we need to say, “no,” in order to say, “yes,” to self-love and self-care. Satya and Ahimsa go hand in hand. Non-harming helps being truthful from becoming a weapon, and truthfulness helps non-harming from being about avoiding or escaping challenging situations.
Three Ways to Practice
Here are three areas to practice non-harming and truthfulness:
1. Carving out time just for you each week, ideally daily. This can go along with quiet time. It can also be around activities you enjoy that taps into creativity or getting your body moving or time with people you enjoy. Doing something that doesn’t have to do with you giving to others, but rather you giving to yourself. Think about it this way. Spiritual leaders, who inspire you, take time EVERY DAY to connect within, so that they can inspire, motivate and support others. Be truthful about what you need to let go of to make space for 5 minutes a day for yourself. (If you want to learn how to meditate, take my “Learn to Meditate,” 4-week, online course).
2. Practice self-compassion, which is treating yourself with loving kindness. Treating yourself as you would your best friend. Here’s Kristen Neff’s website on Self-compassion that’s a great place to start learning about this essential tool.
3. Learn to say, “no.” Your needs are just as important as anyone else’s needs. This can be one of the most challenging things to do for ourselves because it can summon guilt and shame. But if you don’t learn to say, “No,” you will continue to feel under-appreciated, resentful, overwhelmed, exhausted, and that you don’t matter…all of these are harming. If you don’t think you matter enough to take care of yourself…no else is going to either. Start small and keep practicing. It will feel uncomfortable and scary at first, but the more you do it, the more you will feel empowered.
I’d love to read in Forbes next year how much more we are all turning inward for self-care, honoring our need for rest and breaks to function well in our roles, and that our value is based more on how we choose to live versus productivity!
The more loving we are towards ourselves, the more we will be able to be loving towards everyone else. Just like a ripple expanding out from its center. Self-love begins within!
Namaste!