When women practice gratitude, the focus is typically on the present and all we have. It can be powerful to also look back and find gratitude for the challenging times that allowed us to be in the present with all we have.

WISHFUL THINKING

“Twyla, I wish I had figured this out earlier.”

Have you ever felt that way, when you finally had a breakthrough in changing a pattern in your life? I’ve heard it too many times to count in my work supporting women in creating change in their lives.

It’s common to get to the other side and have a whole new perspective, wondering what had taken so long to change your outlook in order to let go and move forward. Whether it happens in learning a new skill or moving from a plateau to the next level – behavior, emotional, thought, or relationship patterns – this wishful thinking can come up.

The truth of it is, you had to go through everything before to get where you are right now. There’s no need to judge yourself or second guess yourself. You are here now and that’s a celebration!

ACCEPTING PAIN AS PART OF CHANGE

Part of why this wishful thinking happens in the aftermath of a breakthrough is the mind’s job to keep us safe. It takes this experience and tries to figure out how it all happened so it can save us from pain in the future. But, the reality is that change includes painful parts. There’s no avoiding it for the most part. We learn through facing and moving through pain. Accepting this is how to reduce the suffering we experience with pain.

In fact, the pattern of  wishful thinking ends up creating unnecessary pain and suffering. Because when we are wishing things are different, rather than accepting what is, there begins to be space for self-judgment and self-doubt to weave their stories.

Think of it like this, I may have a map for an upcoming road trip and my GPS to guide me, but it doesn’t guarantee any mishaps will happen on the journey. I have to live the road trip and go through it. That’s what makes road trips so great! All the parts of the journey – the good, bad and ugly – are part of that adventure. We learn through all of our experiences, even more from the bad and ugly ones.

GRATITUDE FOR CHALLENGES

In July of 2007, Greg and I embarked on a two week road cycling trip from Hersey, Pennsylvania to Charleston, South Carolina. We had our maps from Adventure Cycling, got all our gear, and trained months for it. We did the prep, had a great time and still had ‘learnings’ every single day. But, we would not have had those learnings from just reading about it. We had to go and do it.

I still laugh at the ending of those two weeks. We were in the final 30 minutes of the ride, getting close to Greg’s uncle and aunt’s home where the journey would end, and I bonked. That means that I had burned through all of my energy and my body literally shut down. I made it off the road, off my bike and just collapsed in the grass moaning, barely able to move. I was so close to the end of the ride…

Greg helped me fuel up, encouraged me to get back on my bike and helped me slowly pedal toward the end. I had envisioned a wave of excitement arriving at the end many times on the ride. That was not what happened. I wobbled into the driveway, disappointed. I recovered that afternoon and my mood bounced back as we shared our experience with his family members. We laughed a lot about the challenges we had and the amazing experience.

I learned the importance of keeping on top of electrolyte intake on a 105 F day, what it actually felt like to bonk, and that July isn’t really the best time to bike in South Carolina. LOL. Also, I learned that a moment does not define an experience, the basic kindness most people possess, and how wonderful it was to travel by bike. Plus, so much more. 

To this day, I am still grateful for every part of that journey, including the humid heat, annoying flat tires, and the gas station that didn’t exist any more – adding 20 more miles to the 100 miles we had already done that day. Without those things, it wouldn’t have been the same experience. I feel I was given the exact experience I needed at that point in my life.

GRATITUDE PRACTICE

So, when that wishful thinking shows up, pause and remember the journey. Would you have done anything differently? Usually, the answer is no because the lesson wouldn’t have happened. And now, you get to use that lesson in the future!

Since it is the week of Thanks Giving in the USA, gratitude is a great practice for the week. Most of us have so much to be thankful for – what we have, those in our lives, and the experiences in our lives.

Take some time to reflect and write down 5 challenging experiences from your life that you are grateful for and why. What did this experience teach you? Where did it lead you? What were the ‘silver linings’ that were revealed to you afterwards?

Being able to say thank you in challenging times is a skill to master. 

Then your entire life can be one long string of gratitude. The gratitude for this life we’ve been given.

Happy Thanks Giving!

Shanti.