Common are the words, “I don’t really want to…but I should.” These are the words that come from feeling obligated. A couple of meanings of this word from Dictionary.com is “an act bound by moral or legal duty” or “a debt of gratitude for a service or favor.”  The word “should” is associated often with obligations. When we live from obligation, it often feels heavy, like a ‘have to,’ and it comes from fear. The path of Yoga is about connecting more with a state of love and compassion, moving from fear to love. So, how can Yoga help to meet obligations? Is there a way to use obligations as a tool to move toward love?

I distinctly remember when my teacher, Prasad Rangnekar, stated, “Stop basing your choices on obligations.” Obligations, to me, mean that I’m blaming or making an excuse for a ‘have to.’ The space of ‘have tos’ can breed resentment, decrease joy, and keep me from being honest with myself and others (the practice of Satya or truthfulness). ‘Have tos’ keep me from saying “Yes!” to myself. What about you?

What would it be like if you stopped making choices based on obligations? Might seem impossible, right?

Just A State Of Mind, Which Can Change

Notice in the first paragraph, I stated, “feeling obligated.” Obligation is a feeling and state of mind, not truth. It comes from beliefs we hold about the world. Feelings, mind state and beliefs are not permanent, they all change. So, if we are aware when an obligation comes up, we have the power to shift it from something that is focused in ‘have to,’ fear, and lack to a space where we take ownership, reframe it as a ‘want to,’ and find inner clarity.

One concrete way to do this is through changing our perspective.

First, Notice Your Reaction

But first, we have to lean into this reaction to gather more information and self-understanding. Take time to stop and get curious about this reaction.

• Why am I having this reaction?
• What is this reaction saying?
• If there was no obligation, what is my heart’s desire and what’s keeping me from this choice?
• What are all the options for me around this reaction of obligation?

Most likely you are going to be faced with a couple of choices: “I’m going to do it, so I need to figure out how to move to a place of choice, love, and ownership,” or “I actually don’t need to do this, so I need to speak my truth honestly and respectfully.”

If you’ve decided to speak your truth and take a different action, awesome! Go for it! Do something different and see what happens.

If you’ve decided that you are going to follow through with doing the action, then let’s look at changing your perspective as a practice of Yoga. The goal of Traditional Yoga is finding Truth. A main component of this is refining the mind – first refining negative emotions and thoughts.

Turn ‘Have Tos’ Into “Want Tos.”

I’ve been mentioning ‘have tos.’ One perspective shifting practice is changing ‘have tos’ into ‘want tos.’ I first heard about this from Susan Davis, author of “Emotional Agility.” She writes, “Want-to motivation is associated with lower automatic attraction toward the stimuli that are going to trip you up…and instead draws you toward behaviors that can actually help you achieve your goal…Have-to motivation, on the other hand, actually ramps up temptation because it makes you feel constricted or deprived.”

When you hear yourself saying “I have to…”, Stop! Take ownership of this and frame it as “I want to…” For example, I might hear myself saying, “I have to write a blog today.” If I catch that, I can turn it to something more empowering and motivating, which may even bring more joy into the process. “I want to write that blog about obligations because many people I work with get stuck in negativity around feeling obligated. I know there’s a different way to do it and by writing this blog, I can share how to do it differently so others can feel more motivated and joyful in their life.” Which one sounds more empowering and motivating to you?

Own Your Choice In The Action.

Another great perspective shifting practice is taking ownership. I’ve committed to attending a celebration and as the day rolls around, it feels like a ‘have to.’ “One more thing I have to do today and I’m tired.”  I sat with it and decided I’m going to attend because it’s important to me. Not anyone else. It’s MY choice. I’m doing it because I love and cherish the person who is being celebrated. I want to honor them and let them know how important they are in my life. I’m choosing it. I’m connecting with the love and compassion I have for this person, which lifts me up.

Live As An Experience Giver

The last perspective shifting practice around obligations is seeing ALL experiences as Experience Givers. I learned this term from my teacher, Prasad Rangnekar, way back in 2010. By seeing all of life’s experiences as the Universe, God, the Divine’s way of giving us opportunity to learn and grow, it shifts perspective to a bigger view. It helps us to turn inward and focus on what we can control.

Obligations tend to come from fear of disappointing or hurting someone else, maybe even losing that relationship. That fear narrows our perception, keeping us from seeing the whole picture. When you’ve practiced self-awareness and can recognize a fear-reaction, then you can widen the view. 

Is what fear is saying 100% true? When we take time to get curious about our reactions, instead of taking them as ultimate truth, it allows us to widen the view. It helps us to move from taking things personally (external awareness) towards an internal awareness. What’s behind my fear? What other situations does this remind me of? Where did this fear come from or when is my first memory of this fear? Do I want to keep operating from this fear reaction? What would be the opposite feeling from this fear? What actions can I take to move towards this opposite state? Use reactions as Experience Givers to learn and grow.

Meet Fear By Facing It

Start to adopt a response to fear by:

• Facing it or leaning towards it.
• Questioning it with curiosity.
• Asking what the opposite emotion and body sensation would be to the fear reaction.
• Take action to cultivate that opposite state (pratipaksha bhavana).
• Let awareness of fear be the catalyst to conscious action towards where you’d like to go instead of focusing on where you don’t want to be.

Remember, our perception is in the mind and we can change our perception through awareness and curiosity. Start empowering yourself by turning inwards and cultivating inward awareness!

Namaste.