I know many women out there have big hearts, care about others, and in the end, just want their loved ones to be happy. I completely understand that. From a young age, I was drawn to helping others and this became a major part of my identity. And it still is – though in a very different way. It had to change after a ‘Big Heart’ burnout.

MY BIG HEART BURNOUT

Back in 2009, I had been working in the field of mental health for 4 years as a therapist and I was already burned out. I had no idea how to help myself other than to take a break from the field that I cared so much about. I had put some much time and effort towards it! So, I talked Greg into moving abroad. We ended up in Mumbai, India, where he took a teaching job at an international school there.

The ironic thing is even though I had a break from my job, I still was drawn to helping others. No matter what I try, I seem to find myself back in the position to support others when they feel stuck. This, I believe, is part of my svadharma or natural inclination, part of my purpose in this life. 

So, I had to reconcile how to serve and support others without losing myself and burning out.

WHO’S OXYGEN MASK ARE YOU PUTTING ON FIRST?

If you’ve flown on a commercial airline, you know what is said about oxygen masks on the airplane: If they drop down, make sure to put yours on first and then help others – even your own child. Because if you help others first and you run out of oxygen, you’re no longer helping others. You’ve become a casualty so one less person supporting those who need it. 

This analogy is an example of a boundary for those of us with big hearts and are natural supporters and caretakers:

1. Make sure take care of your needs first and THEN can you help others
2. If you aren’t getting enough oxygen all of the sudden, then it’s time to stop and take care of it before you continue to help others.

A nice analogy that can be hard in practice.

Why is it so hard for many of us to put our safety and wellbeing first?

Simply, we haven’t practiced it.

Not only have we not practiced it, but you’ve most likely gotten the message that putting ourselves first is ‘selfish.’ And as a woman, that’s a ‘no-no’. Many societal messages still value women as caregivers first. Sure, you can do other things, but you’re still a caregiver first…otherwise there’s something ‘wrong’ with you. I know this is a message I internalized, despite having a mother who tried her best to teach me otherwise.

BELIEFS THAT FUEL BIG HEART BURNOUT

So there I was,  burned out after 4 years in my role as a mental health therapist because I was helping people with a mindset I’d had since I was very young:

• To be worthy and ‘good’ meant I had to help others
• Helping others felt good to me and seeing people in pain felt horrible, so pain is ‘bad’
• If others aren’t happy, I can’t be happy
• As a women, I am responsible for other people’s happiness (see the first point)

As a professional helper, in those beginning years, I took on my clients’ pain and suffering as something I was meant to fix. That was what my training also instilled. You’ve seen the sculpture Atlas – that was me. The weight of the world on my shoulders. Definitely not sustainable, so I burned out because the majority of my life was spent thinking it was my responsibility to fix others.

(Can you relate?)

LEARNING TO ON YOUR OXYGEN MASK FIRST

So, how can we really take the oxygen mask analogy to heart and put it into practice in order to keep doing what we love and be able to support others?

Some questions to reflect on:

What does it really mean to put your oxygen mask on first?

How do you define ‘oxygen’ in your life? Why is it important to you?

I know that I am at my best to support others when:

• I’ve slept well
• My body has been nourished and is hydrated
• When my energy is up 
• I am present
• I am clear about what I am doing

The first 3 things I put on this list have to do with the body. When my body is tired, sick, or hurting it is hard for me to be at my best in supporting others. Of course my body will experience these three things no matter what I do…

AND I still have control over how I live my life so that it promotes sleep, health, and wellbeing.

These are relatively simple practices to cultivate as habits over time. Most of them you know:

• Getting to bed at a similar time and a time that allows the opportunity for about 8 hours of sleep
• Hydrating throughout the day by drinking water
• Cooking most of my meals for fresh ingredients, rather than processed food
• Regular exercise, with a little being better than none
• Slow down or stop as soon as I start to feel sickness coming on

Let me be clear, I’ve taken small steps in these areas over years to get to the acceptance and commitment I’m at today with them. And I still work on some of them because life shifts and changes. In fact, I had a reminder last weekend when I had two meals in 24 hours that consisted of pizza. Here in South Korea as a vegetarian, that meant mainly crust and cheese. Needless to say, my energy was down and my digestion protested afterwards.

TIPS FOR AN OXYGEN FUELING LIFESTYLE

In this list, I’ve included a couple of learnings I discovered as I worked on implementing or strengthening some of these lifestyle habits: A little is better than none and slow down. These two principles have guided many of my lifestyle shifts over the years. They have also allowed me to be much better at supporting others. 

How could these principles help you to make sure you have enough oxygen before you help others?

Part of what gives me ‘oxygen’ has to do with my relationship with myself. Many of these discoveries and practices come directly from the tradition of Yoga, which teaches over and over again that personal practice trumps EVERYTHING if you want to reduce suffering.

That doesn’t necessarily mean stop doing what you’re doing, but rather explore the mind state that might be causing the suffering. Learning how to be present is essential. There is no way to explore what gives you oxygen and what depletes it – if you aren’t present to yourself.

I’ve given the above list as an example, not for you to take it as ‘what I’m supposed to do.’ No way! You need to take what I’ve written and explore it for yourself so you can get clear about your needs. Some things might be the same and there will be things I need that don’t fit for you. And that’s all good. It doesn’t negate or minimize the value of what each of us has found for ourselves.

Putting on my oxygen mask first in my daily life reminds me to make sure I am grounded, calm, and have an energy level where I can give and still have some left over for me. Otherwise, just like a battery, the lower it gets, the more time it will take to recharge. Is my battery charged enough?

3 PRINCIPLES THAT DECREASE BIG HEART BURNOUT

Getting clear about what I’m doing helps me stay grounded and focused. I repeat to myself many times during the week – Why am I doing what I’m doing? This helps me to pause and see if I need to course correct. Am I too far away from my ‘why’? Life pulls us in so many different directions! If we don’t take time to come back to ourselves and what we are doing, you’re going to find yourself way off course. This can lead to feeling lost, powerless, and stuck. 

As a big hearted person, it’s even more important to come back to yourself and check in about where you’re going and what you are doing. I have found for myself that I need to do this at least once a day, minimum. When I don’t, I start seeing my mind go back into patterns of overdoing and prioritizing other’s needs over my own, which quickly leads to compromising my battery recharge activities.. Then, I end up tired, low energy, and sickness isn’t far behind.

Finally, If I’m in need of a recharge – the answer to helping others is either ‘no’ or ‘I can’t right now. If ____ blanks works for you, I can do that.’ It can be hard to say ‘no’ when you’re in the habit of always saying ‘yes.’ So, are there softer ways to say ‘no’ that you can start with, like my second example?

Do you fall into this pattern of feeling good so you dive into helping everyone, until you’re depleted and even physically sick?  Then your mind and body are feeling low and down as you are forced to stop and heal. Then as soon as you feel energy picking up again, you’re off running to support everyone else. Up, down, up, down – like a yo-yo?

You have forgotten about your oxygen mask.

REMEMBERING TO REMEMBER

So, how can you remember to practice saying ‘yes’ to the actions that give you oxygen and recharge your battery? And follow through with saying ‘No’ until YOU are ready?

There are 4 ways that we can access our neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to form new pathways and learn new habits, that I learned from Daniel Seigel’s work:

• Repetition: This is practice. Doing one thing over and over and over.
• Mindfulness: Being aware of yourself, when you are falling back into old behaviors and what it feels like as you implement new patterns. (Why am I doing what I’m doing?)
• Passion: Think of this as enjoyment and what you like.
• Novelty: Doing something new requires attention and focus

Take a look at ONE action you’d like to make a habit to increase your oxygen levels in daily life. How can you use the 4 ways to access your neuroplasticity to practice?

Then put up as many visual reminders as possible to make sure you remember to do your practice each day. What ways do you remind yourself to do other tasks in your life?

Remember: Your oxygen mask is the link to being able to sustainably help others. 

If your svadharma or natural inclination is to help others – you must prioritize your needs to give your gift to the world.

Think of this as another part of serving others!

Shanti.

P.S. Despite knowing about putting your oxygen mask on first, has it been hard to change your habits? Do you find yourself in burnout from the anxiety and effort of helping others, while you neglect your own needs? I may be able to help. Schedule a Connection Call with me on Zoom and let’s chat!