Human beings have been experiencing physical and emotional pain as long as we’ve existed. A lot of our time, whether we realize it or not, is spent reducing pain, alleviating suffering, and increasing pleasure and happiness. All animals are also wired to move towards pleasure and away from pain which helps survival. This ‘survival wiring’ that is within us all, takes over all the time without us being aware of it. Our body and mind think it’s helping, but most of the time it’s causing unnecessary pain and suffering in our lives.

WHAT IS PAIN?

Pain comes in two forms – physical and psychological. Physical pain happens when pain receptors are stimulated due to tissue damage – soft tissue, muscle or bone – or when there is illness in the body. Psychological pain occurs when there is loss in our lives, our expectations aren’t met, we are out of our comfort zones, or facing the reality of our mortality.

What makes any pain worse and creates unnecessary suffering is our perception, the way we are thinking about the pain we are experiencing. Pain is going to happen in our lives, there’s no way around it. But we can prolong the pain or move forward through it depending on how we meet it.

POWER OF ACCEPTANCE

What I have found in my life and working with others is that acceptance of what is happening in the present, allows forward movement through the pain of life. When we fight what is happening or run from it, suffering inevitably increases.

Looking back over 2023, since it was a year of significant change for me, I had many reminders about acceptance with psychological pain. I faced loss, change, expectations not being met, and being stretched outside of my comfort zone. More so than I have in a long time. There were common themes that came up for me around acceptance. None of the patterns were new to me, but these experiences allowed me to use yoga-based practices and principles to face the emotional reactions that flared up.

I’m grateful how accessible and useful these tools were when things felt tough in the transitions of 2023. It’s the same process I teach my clients through the Find Calm Formula™.

UNNECESSARY EMOTIONAL STRESS

Here are the patterns that came up for me and the reminders I received from the experience:

1. Pushing and trying to force things creates unnecessary emotional stress.

Just writing that sentence, I can feel my gut tighten. This is definitely not a new theme. But with my self-awareness practices over the years I can see how this pattern is like being caught in a tornado just spinning out of control. All that effort of pushing through is, frankly, just a waste of energy. Which is why I end up feeling exhausted and depleted.

I have gotten much, much better at identifying when I’m doing this for sure. Only this past year, when I changed almost everything in my life and left my comfort zone of Gypsum, Colorado, I definitely reverted back to pushing and forcing at times. My heart goes out to those parts of myself that just wanted to find safety and comfort quickly. I’ve come to learn that pushing and forcing things is a fear-based pattern. I completely understand why I had those reactions…and I also laugh because how on earth would I find the same ‘comforts’ I had in Gypsum, Colorado when I moved to Jeju Island, South Korea? It just wasn’t going to happen.

I did laugh at myself many times as I moved from trying to force some things to accepting my new reality. When I accepted the facts of the present, it immediately shifted my mind into a calm state and my body (specifically gut) relaxed.

My reminder was to accept what is happening now and let go of the rest.

IGNORING EMOTIONS DOESN’T HELP

2. Emotions that are ignored are still there…they don’t just go away.

This is a big one. As a mental health professional the last two decades, I have changed the way I view emotions.  From something to ‘fix’ and ‘manage,’ I now understand emotions as energy that needs to be heard and released.  And, when I’m in the pattern from #1, it’s virtually impossible to hear and release the energy of an emotional reaction.

Each of us has ways that ‘built up’ emotional energy manifests in our reactions and behaviors..  For me, my whole body tightens up and my mind starts ruminating. I start getting irritated more, feel like I’m not good enough at what I’m doing, and self-judgment and doubt bubble up. My fuse shortens and I snap more. What about you?

I also gained more understanding this past year that when I’m having an emotional reaction, more often than not,  it is old, pent up energy coming up. It’s why when we do emotional work on a pattern in our life and there’s a release, that may very well not be the end of it. We have no idea how deep or old that emotional pattern may be.

It’s like remodeling a historic house. As you peel back a layer of wallpaper, the layers beneath reflect the history of the house. As we deal with present emotional patterns, we allow room for the other layers to start moving up and through. That’s the healing process of emotional pain.

My reminder around emotions is to be kind and loving towards myself when I’m working on meeting and releasing emotional energy. Emotional releases are normal, necessary for growth, and part of self-care.

ACCEPTING PAIN

3. The pain of life doesn’t go away.

There was definitely a part of me that still holds on to a belief that if I find ‘the right way’ to do things, pain can be avoided. 

And, yet again, I was reminded that this line of thinking just doesn’t exist. Accepting this is hard and it’s easy to slip into the case of the ‘F-its.’  Why put in the effort then if pain is going to happen anyways?

Well, I can tell you I definitely experimented a couple times with sitting on the couch and binge watching Netflix all day – even a couple days in a row.  And guess what happened…

I felt worse. It didn’t change my situation at all and I still had to take the actions I was avoiding. My higher intellect had tried to tell my lower mind this would happen, but I watched my lower mind throw a tantrum, fighting against doing what I intuitively knew needed to be done.

So, I stood back and let the binge fest begin and waited until that lower mind came back, ‘tail between its legs’ and said, “You were right.”  Using my lesson from #2, I was kind to myself, understood it had to happen and was glad all parts of myself were now on board to keep moving forward.

My reminder was self-growth and development are not a linear process.  Relapse into emotional reactions will happen. And when I accept it, take ownership, and find the lesson in the experience, pain is no longer something to fear. Instead, it ends up being a wise teacher in the journey of life.

TAKEAWAY

Remember, pain is a good thing. Physical pain lets us know something isn’t right in the body. Psychological pain guides us to the areas in our life we need to pay attention to more and give ourselves loving support. It’s our perception of it that makes it ‘bad.’

I ask all of my students and participants, “What is your takeaway?” when I wrap up a workshop, coaching call, or sangha.

So, my takeaway from 2023 is to be kind and loving to myself as I work on accepting the present and holding space for emotional energy to move through.

Sounds like a pretty good intention for 2024, doesn’t it?

What about you? What is your takeaway from last year and how does that shape your intention for this next year?

Happy New Year, NAMASTE.

 

P.S. Finding a good coach, mentor, teacher to address ‘out-of-control’ emotional reactions can be challenging. Especially if you’ve tried many things and haven’t found the relief you’ve hoped for. Who can you trust to guide you forward? I know for me, I personally look for people that are doing their own emotional work, who are practicing what they teach. It’s why I made a pact with myself as I became a mental health professional – I would do my personal work and never ask others to do what I wasn’t willing to do myself.

I mentioned the Find Calm Formula™ above. If you’d like to learn more about it, watch my free masterclass here.