For all my fellow natural helpers, helping professionals, and people pleaser: I know that one of the first things to go out of the window when you’re busy, feeling overwhelmed, and have others wanting your time are the activities that lift you up and support you. Last week, after I facilitated my recent “SAY ‘YES!’ TO YOURSELF” Retreat, I stayed an extra night at Joyful Journey Hot Springs and treated myself to a massage. This was the first massage I’ve had in two and a half years! It…felt…so…good. It was a reminder how important it is, as a helping professional, to find ways to let others give to me.

EXTERNAL SELF-CARE

Getting a massage, going to acupuncture, getting a haircut – these are some of the ways I receive from others and fill up my bucket. But, going outside myself isn’t the only way. I know the pandemic shook the world up in regards to external activities for self-care. It was hard when these activities weren’t available if this was how you filled up your bucket. I know in some parts of the world they still aren’t available. 

I was filled with gratitude for my Yoga Sadhana or daily spiritual practice that I had incorporated into my life for a number of years. It was what helped my mental state, helped me to stay grounded and calm, and allowed me to face the new challenges that none of us had ever had to deal with before effectively.

BUT I’M DOING SO MUCH FOR SELF-CARE!

Many years ago, after being a mental health therapist for about three years, I was completely burned out. A big reason for this wasn’t about taking time for myself. I had a regular routine of going to the gym, I was doing Yoga asana classes online (a typical yoga pose practice), and my husband and I were out in nature almost every weekend. We also did a lot with friends. The reason I was burned out was because of my mind. My body was being taken care of but my mind was taking on the world. And it was exhausting.

PANCHAKOSHAS

External practices of self-care are definitely important. So are lifestyle practices of eating well, getting enough sleep, and regular exercise. But the body is just one part of the equation. There’s a model in Yoga that is called Panchakoshas (5 sheaths or layers) which shows us we are more than just our body. These layers are:

• Annamaya Kosha: The Physical Sheath, otherwise known as the Food Body
• Pranamaya Kosha: The Energy Sheath which includes the breath
• Manomaya Kosha: The Thought and Emotion Sheath
• Vijnanamaya Kosha: The Belief Sheath
• Anandamaya Kosha: The Bliss Sheath, or spirit sheath which is the closest to the essence of ‘Who I am’

Each sheath influences the other. When we eat healthy, get plenty of sleep and exercise regularly, our energy and vitality are strong, our mood is typically more positive, and we generally feel more positive about ourselves. Though, this isn’t always the case, like in my example of feeling burned out.

CHANGE THE BELIEF

My mind was stuck in belief that I was responsible to fix people and the pain they were coming to me to address. By taking that on, my mind was constantly searching for solutions for people’s problems. I was feeling like a failure and couldn’t see how I could keep doing this. I was ready to quit. Luckily, my path led me to India and to my teacher, Prasad Rangnekar. I learned from him that by taking on other people’s issues as my own, I was focusing on things I absolutely could not control.

The western medical system has taught medical professionals that we are the ‘experts’ and it’s our job to ‘fix.’ Yet, we can’t control what our clients and patients do. So what are we supposed to do? (I also know that many other helping professions are in the same boat of being expected to be responsible for other people’s behaviors).

Looking at the Panchakosha model, the place of suffering is coming from the Belief Sheath – which then affects thoughts and emotions, energy, and physical state. If I’m feeling like I have to fix someone, yet they aren’t doing what I’m telling them to do, I most likely feel frustrated, resentful and powerless.

At the end of the day, my energy is depleted from this so I cope by sitting on the couch, turning on the TV, and eating the quickest, the easiest thing to grab that is most likely a bunch of processed junk. And, hey, might as well throw back an alcohol beverage or two. Ahhhh – now I’m numbed out to my energy, thought and emotion, and belief sheaths. But, I get to get up the next day and do it all over again. None of that numbing out behavior actually does anything long term that is helpful. In fact, it may make things worse.

FIND THE BELIEF YOU WANT TO INVEST IN

Something has to change. That change is up to me. It’s up to you. It’s up to each of us to take ownership of our reactions and create the change we need. I know it’s not easy but staying in this hell of numbing out is also not easy. Do you want to stay stuck or do you want to find a better way?

How do I change the belief that my job is to ‘fix’ others?

I had to make that change in order to keep staying in the profession of helping others.

I realized that this belief is not set in stone. It’s not TRUTH. It’s a social construct that was taught to me from an early age by just being female. As a female, I was expected to be helpful to others. When I made others happy, I was praised. This ‘learning’ has been around for centuries. But, it doesn’t mean I need to keep following it. If I truly wanted to have a positive impact on the world, I needed to let this belief go.

After a lot of self-reflection, tweaking, practicing, I came up with a new belief:

•  As a human being, I am responsible for myself and my reactions. Others are responsible for theirs. As a caring individual, I can hold space for the pain of life others experience to provide opportunities for them to own their responsibility and find their path to healing. Taking responsibility = Empowerment.

It’s a belief that feels more true and has been uplifting and energizing. That old one was just leading me deeper into burnout and becoming more negative.

VIJANAMAYA KOSHA

If you’re feeling stuck and tired of being in a negative funk all the time, I’m going to propose that you take a look at that Belief Sheath – Vijnanamaya Kosha.  I bet it has something to do with it. And no matter how many vacations, massages, exercise classes, alcoholic drinks, mouth watering meals, etc. that you consume, until you start addressing your mind, there’s not going to be lasting change. (Please read this again).

At least that’s been my experience and the experience of hundreds of people I’ve worked with over the last decade and a half. I encourage you to do something different and try your own experiment to see what you discover.

IT’S NOT JUST ONE THING

And, I still encourage you to do those positive self-care activities and healthy lifestyle behaviors because they are part of the puzzle too. They just aren’t the only part.

Sending you love and compassion.

Namaste.