What is the most important act of self-love? Whenever I talk with my clients and students about self-love, inevitably the first things that come to mind are activities. Things like a massage or other spa service, attending a regular yoga class, time with friends, taking a needed vacation. While these are nice things to treat yourself to, they don’t do a lot to change your mindset towards yourself. After doing them, you go back to life as usual, which puts you exactly back in the same place. The thought of taking time for yourself is correct, but what you do and how you do it becomes the key to lasting change. 

I believe, from my personal and professional experiences, that the most important act of self-love is turning inward – taking time to be with self. It’s simple, yet as women, we rarely allow ourselves time and space to do this. 

TERRIFYING EMOTIONS…OR MAYBE NOT

In fact, it can even feel terrifying to do it because it’s unfamiliar. I can’t tell you how many times that women shared with me that they were most scared of losing themselves in the emotions they’ve avoided for so long.  The truth is, we are like pressure cookers when we hold in emotions. Yes, there will be a forceful burst of energy releasing and then it will subside.  

The scariest part is actually the anticipation of feeling emotions, not actually the emotions themselves…but I digress.

TURN INWARD, A YOGA POINT OF VIEW

What does ‘turning inward’ mean and how does it work?

I’m going to share a couple of lines from the Bhagavad Gita, a 3000-plus year old text that is based on guiding its main character from confusion, grief, and doubt back to the truth of himself. The lessons from this spiritual story are as relevant to us today as when they were written thousands of years ago.

“A Yogi should constantly practice concentration of the heart, remaining in seclusion alone, subduing her body and mind and being free from longing and possession.: – BG 6.10

“Better one’s own duty, though devoid of merit, than the duty of another, well performed. Better is death, in following one’s own duty; the duty of another is full of danger.” – BG 3.35

Let’s take a look at each of these so you can see how they apply to actions towards self-love that are practical to daily life.

ACT 1 OF SELF-LOVE

Yes, an act of self-love has to do with being kind and loving towards ourselves. Most of what we tend to do are acts of love towards the body because when the body is calm, a lot of times our mind may also calm down. Not always, but a lot of times. Yet, it doesn’t last for too long until we are triggered by challenges in our day and our body tenses up. Then our mind tenses up.

We focus on the body because it is concrete. We can easily see it. The thing is, though, our body is not who we are. Because the body is constantly changing. From birth to death, the body is never the same. Therefore, we can’t be the body. We are trying to find lasting calm with something that can’t ever achieve this.

If a person loses a limb, do they cease being? No. If a body stops being able to perform in a certain way, does that person stop being? Of course not. The body is not who you are. It is the vessel you’ve been given to experience this life. Treat it well to keep it healthy, but don’t think it is you.

I can’t tell you exactly who you are because I’m still figuring it out. I draw on those who have connected with this truth for guidance, but I do know that the more time I spend with myself, the more I learn about myself. The more I learn, the more I understand. The more I understand, the more I love myself. No massage or manicure has ever given that to me. What about you?

4 ACTIONS OF SELF-LOVE

The first line I quoted from the Bhagavad Gita (6.10), tells us what we need to do in order to build that loving relationship with ourselves:

• Listen to messages from the heart, i.e. what is wonderful about you, what are you grateful for towards yourself, what makes your heart sing, what does your heart say about you? What are your emotions communicating to you?
• Take time to just be by yourself. How can you listen to yourself and understand yourself if you never take time just to be with yourself? It’s impossible with everyone in your life trying to get a piece of you, being pulled in lots of different directions at once. 

• Calming her body and mind. Yes, a massage can do this but are there ways you can also do this for yourself? How can you calm your body and mind during a work day, when you’re driving, in an argument with a loved one? Turn inwards. Take time to pause and notice yourself – body sensations, breath, thoughts, emotions. Don’t analyze, just notice for 10 seconds or a minute. What happens?
• Let go of longings or desires to be somewhere else or be someone else. This is advanced self-love. Just allow yourself to BE YOU. The universe has invested in your existence in this life for a reason. You are meant to be where you are and who you are so embrace and accept that. Instead of trying to be something you’re not, look at how you are blocking yourself from being who you truly are. 

Svabhava means ‘being you’. What have been your natural tendencies since you were a child? What brings you joy? If there were no constraints, what would you do in a heartbeat? 

Again, how are you blocking yourself from being who you truly are?

ACT 2 OF SELF-LOVE

Another way to wrap your mind around these 4 actions, is to think about what happens in a new relationship. We want to spend all of our time with them, get to know that person as much as possible, only see the positives in them, and enjoy the things that make them who they are. Just turn this outside in and treat yourself like someone you are falling in love with. That’s what it’s called SELF love.

The last point from above – let go of longings or desires to be somewhere else or be someone else – brings us to the next line I quoted from BG 6.10. 

I can’t emphasize the importance of this verse, especially for us women. Most of us have been taught that being a woman means making everyone else happy. Being a woman is making sure the world runs smoothly for everyone and fixing anything uncomfortable quickly, regardless of ourselves.

If you are always focused on everyone else, there’s no way to cultivate self-love.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF

BG 6.10 directly tells us that we must focus on our own Dharma or purpose, not someone else’s. And not only that, but focusing on someone else’s or another’s expectation of who they think we should be, this is worse than death itself. Wow! That’s serious.

From a practical point of view, if we look at employment. We are hired to perform certain duties in a job. But, if we focus on someone else’s job duties, then our job doesn’t get done. Even though you’ve done work, you haven’t done the work you were paid to do.

Not only that, but you keep someone else from doing their job.

Think about how this transfers to other roles: parent, spouse/partner, friend, homeowner or renter, car owner. Everything breaks down if we don’t focus on our responsibilities.

It’s no wonder many women are exhausted and burned out from worrying about and doing what is not ours to do!

On an existential level, again, the universe is putting energy into you so you can be you. Your duties in your different roles and realizing who you truly are is why you are here. No need to do anything more, or less.

RESPONSIBILITY REFLECTION

Take a look at your day. When are you taking care of your responsibilities and when are you trying to take care of someone else’s responsibilities? When are you thinking about and worrying about another’s responsibilities, which is keeping you from being in the present to enjoy your life?

Worrying is synonymous with mistrust, not thinking another person is capable. But they would not have been given the responsibility if they were not capable or needed to become capable in that area.

Focusing on your responsibilities and letting go of what isn’t is an act of self-love. It is also an act of loving someone else.

THE MOST IMPORTANT ACT OF SELF-LOVE

The way to unlearn this pattern of taking on too much of other people’s responsibility is to turn inward. Get to know and understand where the desire to do this is coming from for you. Be with the discomfort of stretching your comfort zone to do it differently. Notice what happens over time when you get clear about your responsibilities, say ‘yes’ to your responsibilities, and ‘no’ to what is not your responsibility. Explore this process by noticing body sensations, breath, thoughts, and emotions.

You’ve got 21 more days to practice this in February. And guess what? That’s all it takes to start creating a new habit that could lead to a lot more love in your life.

Namaste.

P.S. Creating a more kind and loving world is part of my mission! I do this by working with women who are stuck on the rollercoaster of emotional reactions to calm the mind and learn to skillfully use emotions instead of emotions using them. Want to know more? Watch my free masterclass – The Find Calm Formula™ – and see if I might be able to help you.

*Photo by Wendy Griffith