Wisdom comes with learning from experiences over time. Wisdom helps to change and shape our beliefs…if we let it. Fear and protection also shape our beliefs and can be louder, more forceful than wisdom, which is why we tend to make mistakes more than once. When it comes to relationships, one of the obstacles to finding love is the battle between fear and wisdom. When I look back on my 20+ year relationship with my partner, Greg, I’m amazed by two things:

• He’s still by my side despite my ups and downs😘
• How our relationship has supported both of our personal growth 💞

MY DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP

The two of us agreed many years ago that we were both committed to being in a relationship as long as the relationship was a space that nurtured each of us.  I think we had a sense of what that meant but the practice of it has deepened my understanding of the necessity of this for a mutually, healthy relationship. Over the years I’ve been grateful for this definition to be my guide when inevitable conflict arises. Wisdom from relationship!

#1 PIECE OF WISDOM FROM RELATIONSHIP

The experience of being in this relationship with Greg has been invaluable for me to become who I am at this moment. If someone were to ask me what my advice would be at this point, I think it would be surprising to some. My relationship ‘advice’ is simply – Work On Yourself. If you want an honest, trusting relationship you have to be willing to show up in that way yourself. From my experience, this ‘advice’ translates to ALL relationships. The more you get to know yourself, the better you are in relationship with others.

‘Working on yourself’ can mean many different things, so I want to be clear with what I mean.

The ‘work’ part means effort, practice, action. Sometimes the actions will be easy and sometimes it will be hard. Most of the time it’s in between. The focus of the work is inward and towards understanding self better. 

I can’t emphasize this enough: ↑Understand Yourself = ↑Communication and Connection

USING YOGA TO WORK ON RELATIONSHIP

There are many layers that create the human experience. I want to introduce you to a model from Yoga that I find helpful called the Pancha Koshas. Pancha means five and koshas means layers, sheaths or components.

These layers are:

Annamaya Kosha: Physical sheath

Pranamaya Kosha: Energy/Breath sheath

Manomaya Kosha: Emotions and Thoughts sheath

Vijanamaya Kosha: Belief sheath

Anandamaya Kosha: Bliss sheath

Notice they move from gross to subtle. Each layer affects all the others, meaning if there is a change in one, it will create some reaction in another. The more subtle the layer, the closer to the essence of True Self. 

Working on yourself means looking at each of these layers and discerning where there may be ‘blockages’ that keep you from knowing and loving yourself. Any relationship you are in will give you plenty of information to the state of each layer in the form of your reactions.

PANCHAKOSHA LENS IN ACTION

For example, if I’m feeling sick, my energy is low. From low energy, most likely my emotions are low and thoughts interpret things more through this low energy/ low emotions lens. This may remind me of situations or tap into attachments which helps to shine the light on deeper beliefs about myself and the world that are making things worse. 

When my partner comes home and shares about their day, I might react because all I want is to be comforted, not hear how great their day was. Ever been there?

Someone who has cultivated an inner relationship is aware of these reactions and can trace them back to being sick. With this knowledge, instead of reacting when their partner comes home, they are able to communicate what they need. They can also discern if they can listen or don’t have the energy to communicate this as well. They use the experience to lift themselves up rather than spiral down. 

Just by understanding yourself, the same scenario can have very different outcomes depending on the mind frame you show up – even if you are sick.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR PART

The thing I like about this model is I might have no clue what belief is underlying a reaction but I notice my whole body is tight and I’m ready to yell at the top of my lungs. Being aware of what is happening at a physical level means I can work towards uncovering what is happening more subtly. It also allows me to look at resources from the other sheaths to help change my body reaction. In this example, I might turn to the energy sheath and start focusing on my breath to calm my body down.

The simple fact in any relationship is you can’t, no matter how hard you try, control others. And in trying to control others, typically it just creates more friction, negativity and disconnection. 

The only way to create connection and love is to turn inward to focus on what you can control…your reaction.

It’s simple, yet can be challenging, to focus on what ‘I’ can control since most of us have the habit of trying to control others.

But, I guarantee that in the long run, working on yourself will turn into amazing results that you could have never dreamed of with the old habit of controlling others. Wisdom from relationship with yourself translates into wisdom in relationship with others.

Plus, it’s like a ‘2 for 1’ sale! Feel better about yourself AND strengthen important relationships.

What a great deal!🎉

Namaste.

P.S. Ready to move past fear and other emotional reactions that are keeping you stuck from moving forward and connecting with yourself? I may be able to help. The next step is to watch The Find Calm Formula™ masterclass and if it resonates, book a free Clarity Call with me.