Change is constantly happening. One moment things are one way and in the next completely different.  Every time change happens, it is an ending and a beginning. The school year is ending in the US and summer break begins. But endings aren’t always physical. They can also be in the mental or energetic realms. Dreaming of the vacation you’ve been planning, then COVID hit and the vacation is canceled. This leads to an end of an idea and beginning of time unplanned. With change, loss is an inevitable aspect. 

We humans can experience this loss emotionally as grief. Typically, the amount of grief that is experienced can equal the amount of investment into what was lost. This investment may be time, effort, money, etc. That investment binds us to things in the form of attachment. Let go of the attachment and grief reduces. This is why over time, as the attachment reduces naturally, grief is less. 

Yoga provides a number of frameworks to follow that reduce suffering. But they aren’t easy or a quick fix. There’s not a guarantee like “21 Days And Be Free Of Suffering!” Yoga texts and enlightened masters do state that if a person follows the practices consistently and with commitment over a long period of time, suffering will reduce. 

“Their (thought) control is by practice and non-attachment.” PYS 1.12

There are many frameworks under the umbrella of Yoga. I am going to draw from two of them: Patanjali Yoga Sutras (PYS) and Bhagavad Gita (BG). Actually, the Bhagavad Gita lists a number of different paths within it.

A key principle of these two teachings is that practice which reduces attachment to suffering is Yoga.

MODERN MENTAL HEALTH TREATMENT

As a mental health professional who was trained in the western medical model, the focus on reducing suffering has been highly influenced by the economic system of insurance companies. ‘Keep it short, keep the cost down, get symptoms reduced and end the treatment.’ This model doesn’t support practice over a long period of time or take into account the length of time it takes to create lasting change. Which is why the focus is on tools and techniques.

Give someone a tool or technique that reduces symptoms and send them on their way. What I witnessed in this system was a person learned a new tool, which gave them some relief, and then they were deemed ‘fixed.’ As they felt better, they stopped their practice and eventually symptoms returned. They would come back and state ‘that didn’t work; and want a new tool or technique. In fact, this is what most therapy, self-help books, podcasts, and online programs do – give tools and techniques that should fix things without integrating the tool or technique into their new habit and way of life. 

Then, when it doesn’t ‘work’, we are programmed to toss that practice aside and search for a new one. This is our programming in the West…and it’s not working. Simply looking at rates of depression and anxiety, two common mental health ‘issues’, show this as they keep rising despite all the tools and techniques available. 

I believe the reason for this is because the modern view of mental health views being human as the enemy, instead of accepting our humanity.

EMBRACE ALL EMOTIONS

Emotions, reactions, ups and downs, habits and patterns – they are all part of being human and they aren’t ‘wrong’. What the path of Yoga does is invites us to use all of the aspects of our lives we’ve been given to address the root cause of suffering. It is not interested in feeling good for a moment. Its focus is to reduce human suffering for good.

The practice and non-attachment process includes fully accepting our humanity so that we can move beyond it and understand the True Nature of who we are. That’s not a small feat. It’s like managing suffering by only finding good moments is what we learn in Kindergarten and understanding our True Nature is like getting your PhD. 

I’m sharing all of this as a reminder about lasting change.  Reducing suffering by exploring grief is not a one off project. It is a part of a process that uses an emotional state (grief) that feels miserable in order to transform how we view ourselves and the world. In doing so, we move towards a more full understanding of Self. This change process takes time and consistent practice.

WHAT IS GRIEF?

From my experience, grief is the reaction to the perceived loss of love. The more investment in loving something, the more attachment there will be. And thus, the more grief.

Grief is a state that one moves in and out of and is a process. It’s not just one emotion. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross came up with a model of grief that is fairly well-known in the USA. She found that there are 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. It is non-linear, meaning that a person can experience any of these stages in any order, go back to a stage, and skip a stage. Everyone’s grief process is different. This model does a nice job making some sense of the chaos of grief.

But what to do in each of these states? Is there anything ‘to do’? It also sets up stages as something to ‘get through’, which I think can end up creating more suffering in the long run.

NO RIGHT OR WRONG IN GRIEF

When I look at grief through a Yogic lens, it opens up choice in perspective and options, and invites compassion. After all, why do we all react differently in grief? Everyone’s experience and interpretation of an experience is different. There’s not a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to grieve. Whatever a person is experiencing is exactly where they need to be.

My brother and sister-in-law recently put down their dear, beloved dog of 17 years. Ruby was their first ‘child’ and she brought so much joy and love into their lives. I think their relationship with her is part of what kept Ruby going for so long.  Even though they both mentally knew she was going to die, the emotional investment in her for 17 years is a strong attachment. It took my brother almost a week before he said he could talk about it, which really surprised him.

My nephew, who recently finished middle school, didn’t have such a strong emotional reaction. My brother reflected that his son has been focused more on friends the past year, not around Ruby much. He also wasn’t her caretaker these past two and a half years. His perspective and reaction are different from his parents.

GRIEF IS PART OF BEING HUMAN

There are few guarantees in life, but one of them is that if you live long enough, you will experience a form of grief. I don’t necessarily mean in the form of death. Rather, in the form of change. All change is an ending and has the possibility of being perceived as a loss. It’s the attachment to a situation as a loss that creates grief. Being human is part of Nature, which encompasses all that changes and is impermanent. The Sanskrit word for this is Prakriti. 

An essential part of reducing suffering, according to Yoga, is accepting the nature of the material world. Currently, all of us identify ourselves, on some level, as Prakriti, even though the essence of ‘who I am’ cannot be part of Prakriti. Since it changes, it is not ‘who I am.’ The True Nature of Self does not change. My brother identified himself as the dog owner and Ruby as family. Another dog he doesn’t identify with won’t give him the same reaction.

As I’ve been getting ready to move to Thailand, a surprising area of grief surfaced. I had unknowingly attached myself to a thought that after living on Jeju Island we would probably return to the USA. I had set myself up in my professional life for this. When we decided not to return, I instantly felt like a cord was being cut that energetically tied me to the USA.  “I live abroad now” was what came to my mind. No longer was I identifying my time abroad as just a few year hiatus from living in the USA. I felt grief at this change of perception and identity.

GRIEF AND ATTACHMENTS

Our attachments to things that change is at the heart of our suffering, according to Yoga. It’s the misidentification of Self as Prakriti instead of knowing our True Self called Purusha. Purusha is ‘That’ which is not affected by change, is permanent, and eternal.

We live in a relative reality that will change, not an absolute reality.  We might have a hunch that we are something greater than what we currently understand, but our identified experience is in the world of change. What we know is true today, most likely won’t be true in the future. We all know intellectually that jobs will change, routines will change, friends will come and go, seasons happen, and eventually all that is alive will die. Despite this, we use a lot of our time and energy trying to avoid and escape this fact because of our attachment.

There’s a belief out there that one shouldn’t talk about death or it will come true. Of course it will come true, but not because you talk about it…but because it is a Law of Nature. Not talking about it means a person is investing their time and energy in ignoring this fact. So when this person is faced with death, it’s going to be even harder because of their attachment to this ignorance. Facing death HELPS to reduce suffering. It doesn’t get rid of it but it can reduce suffering because of the increased understanding of it.

This is why a practice that embraces, faces, gets curious, and explores our humanity gets us closer to our True Nature and thus, reduces suffering.

GRIEF IS PERCEIVED LOSS OF LOVE

A recent addition to my definition of grief is that it comes from a perceived loss of love. What I mean is that the loss associated with grief comes from the attachment to what we love. Grief is present only when love is present. When a person is in grief, it means that they have received the gift of love in that relationship, whether human, other being, objects, or energy.

As I am getting rid of things to move, I am faced again and again with attachment to inanimate things. A pair of shoes I bought last summer that I had hoped would fit my feet right and reduce pain I was experiencing, ended up not helping. Despite the fact that they don’t work for my feet, I find myself with some resistance to getting rid of them. Why? Because I spent time researching them, thinking about how they would help me, and frankly, I love the color of them. I felt an ache in my heart as I thought about listing them for sale. That small grief is attached to wanting to love and care for my feet and decrease their suffering.

I encourage you to explore this yourself. Are grief and love related?

YOGIC VIEW OF LOSS AND GRIEF

The ‘perceived’ part of this concept goes back to the two Yogic concepts of Prakriti and Purusha. 

The great Yogic masters and Rishis that have walked the Yogic path and live in Truth aren’t grieved when loss happens in the material world. 

“Thou has been mourning for those who should not be mourned for and yet thou speakest (apparent) words of wisdom; but the truly wise mourn not either for the dead or the living.” BG 2.11

Those who are non-attached to Prakriti (all that changes and is impermanent, with beginning and end), know the highest Wisdom – nothing truly is lost or dies. So there’s no grief. 

It’s not that these Great Beings don’t love. Not at all. It’s that they live completely in the state of love. Love is God, God is our True Nature, therefore we are Love. There’s a big difference between feeling love and being Love. Since we aren’t completely in the state of being Love, when something we feel love towards ends, we suffer. Our perception is that we’ve lost something. What we’ve lost is the idea of our attachment. 

“These bodies are perishable; but know the dwellers in these bodies are eternal, indestructible and impenetrable. Therefore fight, O descendant of Bharata!” BG 2.18

“This (Self) is never born, nor does It die, nor after once having been, does It go into non-being. This (Self) is unborn, eternal, changeless, ancient. It is never destroyed even when the body is destroyed.” BG 2.20

WHAT TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION?

All of this doesn’t mean that how we think is wrong. Definitely not. It’s human, part of being human to attach to things that change. It’s part of our biological programming for survival. 

But, if you are desiring more lasting peace in your life, if you desire the world to be more kind and loving, then you have to get your mind to let go of that programming. There are other perspectives and ways to view the world that foster peace, rather than fear and suffering.

We are going to experience grief. Working towards this acceptance is important for peace of mind. Otherwise you will stay stuck in fighting and avoiding grief. Grief is not an enemy. It’s actually a gift. Remember, it’s present because you have the capacity to love. That capacity to love is what we want to grow. The more the mind can sustain a state of love, the closer you will be to your True Self. This is called a sattvic-dominant state of mind or a mind state that is harmonious, pure, and content.

When grief is present, we want to face it with curiosity and compassion, just like any emotional reaction. It might take time to be able to do this, which is why it’s important to practice cultivating a curious and compassionate response. That is what will help us remember that grief is part of Prakriti. It will change over time. Grief shows up because the love is attached to that which changes.

PRACTICES

Here are some practices to start incorporating into life now. Use them with the change and your reactions to change that happen throughout your daily life.

1. Pause and Breathe with any reaction. This will help bring your mind to the present moment and slow down the reaction.
2. Curiosity: Get curious about your reaction with inner awareness. What is the reaction communicating?
3. Apply the lens of Yoga – Everything that changes is not Truth or True Self. 
4. Self-compassion: Remember to be empathetic and kind to yourself in your reactions. They are a part of being human. Be a friend to yourself.

How would it look to use these four practices with grief?

Shanti.